How’s everyone holding up? I’m struggling a little, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry… or both… perhaps at the same time. Which would definitely result in some strange looks and the inevitable question: ‘Are you ok?’ Which would then see me crumbling into visible sobs, running swiftly to the nearest loo and leaving the remaining people looking at each other with knowing glances of ‘No, no… she is NOT ok’.

The thing is, there is NO room full of people and I’m actually at home alone… (post hot bubble bath) lying in a room full of candles and lovely scents of the season filling my nostrils. A cosy relaxing atmosphere, with no kids (they’re currently at their dad’s) to disturb my peace, no relatives to “perform” for and no pressure to DO anything. Bliss! I hear you think.

Why is it then, that I have a lump in my throat, pools of tears forming in my eyes and a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart?

Let’s look at the events of the last three days and see if we can pin-point where some of these feelings are coming from, shall we.

Christmas Eve

The ‘Family Day’

Hosting at ours, but not fully as it’s not big enough - unlike my sister’s picture-perfect chocolate-box Cottage in the Buckinghamshire countryside, where we usually have Christmas… because “it just makes more sense”. So, drinks, nibbles and presents at ours from 11am – 3pm, followed by Christmas dinner/lunch at a lovely restaurant in town (a short walk away). Perfect… a neutral environment, no clearing up.

Now actually, on the whole, a good time was had by all and there were no big dramas to report on. However, there were many half conversations, gifts and thoughtful exchanges. There were shared moments of laughter, joy and knowing glances. There were also moments of sadness and reflection, that were felt by all. It’s a lot for one morning!

As a highly sensitive person, I felt it all… deeply.

The joy, the laughter, the tension, the effort being made as a collective group. To be kind and considerate of each-other’s feelings, sensitivities and differences. The relief, that we made it to Christmas with mum still here and the joy of seeing her looking fit and well. But tinged with the sadness and anxiety of not knowing how long we might have left with her, now that her heart is failing.

Then there’s the big one… the one that causes me to feel such a variety of emotions, I don’t even realise I’m feeling most of them. Which then, in turn, causes me to push them back down and put the lid back on. Ah ha… here we go… this is it.

The complex range of emotions felt at this time of year is so strong and painful, that when they arise, I push them back down. I have to… I’m with family… we don’t “dwell” on these feelings… the kids are there… It’s Christmas… I’m not “allowed” to feel these things… not today. Down they go – gulp.

It’s my brother… his absence, the loss, the sadness, the trauma, the memories (good and bad)… the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment, the anger. The hurt, the shock… the frightened, confused and lost child I was. The sadness and compassion I have now developed for that young girl. Whose brother, as she knew him, was ripped away from her world (what seemed like) over night.

Although still there, he wasn’t at all himself. I felt like I had lost him… not just my brother, but my best friend. Something had taken hold of him, scrabbled him up and made him all weird and scary. Something I now know to be mental illness, of what kind, it is still not clear to me to this day.

There’s a whole story there – a book perhaps – but for now, let’s just say realising the full range of emotions I felt (or didn’t allow myself to feel) in just one day. Followed by another day… with a chaotic mix of fun, joy, awkward moments, inappropriate comments, anxiety and laughter. Noisy children, tantrums, loud karaoke singing (shouting) and delicious (but too much) food and wine, with Mark’s wonderful family.

Is it any wonder there were tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and an unprocessed sadness in my heart? Tears that have now fallen, a lump that has since dispersed and a sadness that still sits in my heart. Soothed by the acknowledgement of its existence.

For now.

Until next time,

I thought it might be helpful to share my personal experience of this with you. Firstly as a reminder to myself, so I don’t get caught in the over-productive, self-loathing, overwhelming, decision paralysis trap again. But also so that it might help someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation.

My Personal Experience

I was exhausted, highly emotional, extremely reactive, totally overwhelmed and generally not a fun person to be around. I was snapping at the kids at the drop of a hat, absolutely everything felt like too much to cope with and I found myself not knowing where to begin… with anything!

I was unable to make decisions about even the smallest thing, I was buzzing around all over the place, but not actually getting anything done - I was broken - I needed to stop - So I hit PAUSE… on EVERYTHING!

Read More…

You can read more about “The Power of Pause” and how it prompted a huge learning curve for me, in the post below…

Practical First Steps

After a while of only focusing on keeping myself and the children fed, watered, well rested and emotionally stable; I was able to take the first tiny steps towards unscrambling my brain and my thoughts.

I had to take it really slow and be so careful not to add more shit to my already overflowing steaming pile of overwhelm and self-hatred. Some of these might seem tiny and SO obvious, but it’s worth remembering that when you are in the midst of burnout hell, even the smallest of steps can become too much very quickly!

Step 1. Brain Dump

I knew I had to get “out of my head” - there was SO much whirling around in there… To-Do lists, information, things I’d read, creative ideas, plans, birthdays, gift ideas, expectations (from others, or ones I had put on myself), feelings - so many feelings! Worries… about the kids, the news, the state of the world, the future, my health, the kid’s future, my business, money - so many worries! I had to get it all out, so I did the most almighty BRAIN DUMP!!

Step 2. Leave the Mess

If, like me you’re a bit obsessed with (i.e. enjoy) having a clutter-free and relatively clean & tidy house and find it hard to leave it alone - and/or feel like you’ll explode if one more fellow house inhabitant casually says, “just leave it” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!! Yeah, ok sure, for who… the fucking cleaning fairy!!! 🧚🏻 I have found a genius way to “cope” if you find yourself on the brink of a potential burnout/meltdown.

Pick just ONE room/area of your home that you can go to (shut yourself away in, with any luck) that is clean/tidy and feels calming to be in. Put a sign on the door saying “DO NOT ENTER - DRAGON RESTING” if you need to! PROTECT your space! You NEED a space where you can breathe, feel calm and rest/gather your thoughts, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. In fact, why wait for a potential burnout - do this NOW! 😆

Step 3. Delegate!

When I’d done my enormous brain dump and had some time and space to calm-the-fuck-down, I quickly realised that there were so many things I was doing (around the home in particular) that others (namely the little shits kids 😉) could be doing instead. It’s funny how we sometimes have to reach the absolute end of our tether before we realise these things, but hey-ho, such is life. 🙄

So, I started delegating like a bad-ass! This certainly takes some commitment in your head… and the need to adopt a particular tone of voice, so the kids realise you’re actually fucking serious. But once you nail that, there’ll be no stopping you!

Some things I realised my kids were more than capable of doing include: feeding the cat, putting a wash on, emptying the bins, hanging up the washing, un-loading the dishwasher, putting their own clean clothes back in their sodding drawers!!!! You get the idea. 😆

Step 4. Clear Your Schedule

I my case (and I’m sure many others) I had over-committed to too many events, zoom calls, workshops, classes, writing circles, etc… something had to give! I politely cancelled any of the non-essential zoom calls and events. Figured out that most of the workshops/classes would be recorded and I could catch up at a later date… and removed anything else non-essential from my calendar - What a relief!

Step 5. DO NOT BOOK OR COMMIT TO ANYTHING NEW!

That’s it - Simples!

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Step 6. Leave/Pause/Mute Online Community Groups

Again I found that I had over-subscribed to far too many WhatsApp/online Community Groups. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE being part of the groups that I’m in, but even the stuff you love can become too much sometimes.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a step back from these communities from time-to-time. If it really is the kind, welcoming and supportive space you believe it to be, trust me, they WILL understand! 🥰

Side Note: You can find a list of the communities that I personally recommend being a part of right HERE if you wish ⭐️

Step 7. Remove Noisy/Distracting Apps From Phone

Trust me… this is a GAME CHANGER! I know it’s said all the time and maybe you’re fed up of hearing it, but honestly, getting rid of some of the “noise” from your phone is one of the kindest and most effective things you can do.

There are some scary statistics out there about how many hundreds of times a day we pick up our phones and (if you're anything like me) EVERY time you do pick it up, something could easily catch your eye… and boom!

Before you know it you've been sucked into the vortex of doom, where only guilt and shame exist. Then when you're jolted back to reality, you realise you haven't actually done the thing you picked up your fucking phone to do in the first place! 🤦‍♀️ Just Me?

8. SLEEP

I know, it seems like an obvious one and I’m not going to bang on about the benefits of getting a good night’s sleep. However, if (like me) you sometimes fall into the trap of believing you can “survive” on very little sleep and like to think of all the things you could be “getting done” instead of “wasting” time sleeping - Trust me, it WILL catch up with you! 🥴

In the case of burnout, chances are you’ve been running around like a blue-arsed-fly denying yourself the one core thing that has been proven to improve (among other things) emotional regulation, memory & concentration and immune function. So get at it!! Get some 💤

Top Tip: Make yourself a rule - No tech in the bedroom, or by the bed, or after 9pm - whatever suits you best… but basically books/kindle = GOOD, screens = BAD! Kapish?!

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9. Get Outside

Another obvious one I guess, but such a good one! You don’t need to go far, just stop what you’re doing, put down your phone and step outside. LOOK at the trees, the flowers, the birds, the sky - Just look, breathe and take it all in! (Cheesy, I know 😳)

Sit in the garden, or on your front door step, and just put your face in the sunlight. You could water the plants, pick off the dead-heads, or just potter around looking for insects - watch them… really watch them for a bit. Go for a slow walk, with no purpose and no phone in your pocket… just walk, amble, potter… like we do when we’re on holiday… be free… just BE! 😌

If you can’t get outside for whatever reason, apparently studies have shown that simply looking at nature photography can benefit your physical and mental wellbeing. So here are some photos I’ve taken in my local area, enjoy! 🌿

10. Remember to have some FUN!

All too often life becomes too serious and we forget to find joy in the little things. In the mundane every day things. We forget to notice the basic things around us that can spark joy - a photograph of a loved one, an ornament that sits on the shelf, the magnet bottle opener you couldn’t resist buying on your holiday - even though you already have 10 others cluttering up the cutlery drawer. 🤦🏽‍♀️

If we stop long enough to notice, we can find joy in the things all around us that we take for granted… like the cat gently snoring and twitching, as he lies sprawled out next to me on the sofa as I write…

… or the beauty of a single flower, a drawing from your child, or the ear-to-ear grin that sweeps across my face when I look at the Sloth I got from my daughter on my birthday, that grows it’s own “hair”…

If all else fails, just take a look at these super cute Otters holding hands - Guaranteed to bring a smile to anyone’s face! 🤗👀🥰

Some Gentle Resources

Nothing too long or heavy to absorb, just a couple of relaxing/nurturing tools and some joyful reads, if/when the mood takes you. I personally found these to be super helpful and easily digestible… which is exactly what one needs when you’re on the brink of throwing in the towel! 😆

Yoga Nidra Body Scan - from - 20 Mins

Calm Hypnosis - Begin Again - from - 16 Mins

Slow & Steady Self-Care Toolkit - from - Member’s Newsletter

A Recommended Book: Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee - which I’ve not actually read yet 😉

Bringing Play Into Work (even when it’s grim as fluck) - by the FABULOUS

Noticing Nature - also by (Yes, I’m a bit of a fan ☺️)

Ok, that’s it from me… Thank you for reading and do let me know if you enjoyed this post by clicking on the little ❤️ and feel free to share it with whoever you like and spread the love! 👍

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Until next time,

‘The Feeling Of Life’ is a place to read musings, reflections and
insights from a slightly un-hinged woman in her 40’s, who is (almost) all
out of f*cks to give and embracing her FULL range of emotions!
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A very short post from me as typing is difficult today, but I wanted to share this because it’s real, it’s raw, it’s honest and it’s a small insight into a bad day in a body riddled with chronic disease. For anyone else with a similar experience… I feel you, I hear you, I get it! ❤️

Live One Day in my Body - I Dare You!

It’s ok… I’m ok… I have so many wonderful things and people in my life that I am so grateful for! 💛

Have a fabulous weekend everyone! 🥰

Enjoy the sun, the flowers and all the gorgeous gifts that nature brings us!

Share The Feeling Of Life

This piece was inspired by listening to talking on the Happy Mum, Happy Baby Podcast - Do have a listen, but stay with me for now. I really related with the way Emma talks of “embedded guilt” around asking for (and accepting) help in this fabulous interview.

It got me thinking… Among a multitude of other reasons, could it also be because we wonder if people are offering as a polite gesture (and secretly hoping we will decline) or do they actually mean it?

In a world where there is a vast generation of people pleasers (myself included and it does tend to be women), it makes it a little difficult to identify the genuine offers of help. This makes me think of a recent conversation I had with a friend, where we were discussing why we feel like we must do everything ourselves.

There was talk of societal pressures and the acceptance and praise that comes from achieving high levels of productivity, the low level of importance that is placed on self-care and gentle living and how growing up with a fiercely feminist mother* all added to the pot. (Although I do believe things are shifting now, finally – thanks to fantastic podcasts such as these).

The Problems with Asking For Help

1. Societal Pressure

Throughout the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s there was (quite rightly) an enormous shift in the opportunities for women in the workplace – Away from the traditional role of housewife and/or mother. Whilst this is of-course fantastic (although there is still much work to be done 🙄), I believe this added undue pressure on women to “have it all”… “to DO it all”. If you didn’t “do it all” you were deemed to be inadequate, incapable, a failure, lazy…

This wasn’t equality… this was just dumping even more of the workload on women! Suddenly women were expected to birth and bring up the next generation AND contribute to the workforce too! Now women felt inadequate if they were “only” doing one or the other. Being “just” a mum became something that wasn’t valued anymore, that you were shamed for… and the worst part… it was largely other women that would do the shaming. Here was born that hideous phrase “and what do you do?”

Who was going to step in and help raise the children? Well, it certainly wasn’t going to be the men! (not back then anyway) - I talk more about this in my (unpublished at the time) response to a piece of writing by Freya India – A fantastic writer, may I add, I just had “beef” with this particular article – (You can read my full response further down the page).

2. People Pleasing

Whilst we’ve all been frantically running around trying to impress others and live up to (quite frankly) impossible standards of doing everything for everyone else and neglecting our own wellbeing, we have inadvertently de-valued the genuine offers of help and put everyone in the middle of an anxious shit storm of a guessing game! 🙄

Think about when the bill comes at a restaurant – “No, let me get this one”, “No, no let me”, “No, I insist, let me”, “No, honestly, I don’t mind”, “no, really, let me” – Both poised with bank card between fingers and no one actually paying the sodding bill! The poor waiter stands there exasperated, desperately trying not to sigh and/or give you the biggest fucking eye roll of your life! 🤣

Another classic - “I’ll take the kids to the park for a bit, so you can have a break”, “Oh, how kind of you, but no I couldn’t do that to you, I’ll take them, you chill here for a bit”. “No, honestly I don’t mind… gives my lot someone to play with”. “No, no I insist, let me take them”. “I’ll tell you what, let’s all go… it’s such a lovely day… it’ll be fun”. Great! Now no one gets a bloody break!! 🙄 I could go on, but you get the idea.

If only we could all be more honest and bold and actually say what we mean! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could trust that every offer of help we receive was genuine, because people would only offer if they actually meant it! It would hold so much more value too… knowing that the offer has come from a real and honest place of love and compassion. To be confident to accept, knowing that you will be genuinely delighted to pay it back/forward when you can.❤️

Triggered by Freya India’s Article

This bit…

My Response

“Why can't a mother care for herself? So they're not worthy of looking after because they haven't "sacrificed" everything to put their kids first!? Then the kids grow up feeling guilty that their mum couldn't have a life/fulfil her (OTHER) dreams.

Women have sacrificed so much and battled so hard against the patriarchal bullshit, to make it so that we are finally allowed to be here not JUST to serve and do our “duty” as a women... but to be a PERSON with views and opinions, with other skills and abilities, equal to that of any other human (man or otherwise)!

To matter, to be seen, heard and understood... and to (God forbid) ENJOY a fulfilling life... How DARE a woman (a MOTHER, no less) want to fulfil her dreams/desires or ambitions, outside of being a mother and/or a wife... get back in your box Little lady... "we" preferred it when you didn't "complain"!!! Ironically, going after those desires/passions, etc… is EXACTLY what girls NEED to see their mothers doing! To model SELF-WORTH, VALUE AND SELF-RESPECT!!!

Just as boys need to see their fathers standing up for women, for ANYONE who wants to pursue another direction in life. They kind of “forgot” to tell the men that they will need to actually start sharing the load when it comes to home life/parenting... Ok yeah, so women, you can “have it all”... but you also have to DO it all… double/triple your work/emotional load, but you wanted it, so here you go!

Oh and have less money for it too by the way! How?? STILL!!

Women started doing what men were doing.... but men "kind of forgot" to support THEIR OWN children through this wonderful opportunity to teach/coach/model to them what true equality and support for your partner looks like... woopsy! 🙄

THEN... productivity.. not worthy.. GUILT if you do work, and if you don't.. not ok to "just" be a mum.. “I've HAD to do it all, so you must too!” “That’s just how it is... we ACCEPTED it!!” Why?! Jealousy/envy of women who chose not to work.. calling those women lazy! How dare you find a different (perhaps creative) route... Mothers are perhaps bitter/angry that their children get opportunities they never had... guilt if we don’t use those opportunities though.. we can’t win!!

Judgement of women for going after their passions or having a break or a holiday... the women were turning on each other... how PERFECT! What a wonderful distraction... Look guys they're so busy proving to us and eachother who's the most productive/can achieve it ALL, we get to just carry on the way we were... BRILLIANT! PINT anyone? Oh, AND they're so desperate to be like us and fight to fit in, they've even started to laugh along with our derogatory jokes and "banter"… Yay!

When a man and a woman (or ANY two people) DECIDE to have children, THEY BOTH make a commitment to care for, nurture and raise those children as a TEAM… and keep them healthy, capable, resilient and able to eventually function in the wider world.

EVERY parenting expert will tell you that children learn most from the behaviour/language that they see/hear around them. You WANT your child (girl or boy) to grow up respecting themselves, listening to their core instincts, living by their values, to be happy, do what they love, be who they are, love and care for others AND themselves! You MODEL that… how do you model that? BY DOING THOSE THINGS YOURSELF!!!

By standing up and saying to our children... I love you and I am committed to being your parent and providing for you. I also love who I am and want to treat myself with the love and care that I require, which means I will do xyz… and I can do this because a). You have another parent (or other relatives, if mum/dad absent) to be here when I'm not.. and b). I have been busy since you were born equipping you with the tools, the knowledge and the resilience to be ok when I'm not around for a bit.

I strongly feel that it is NEVER OK to lay yourself down in sacrifice for another and certainly not to the detriment of your own health and wellbeing. We don’t OWE our children that! We must treat ourselves better… we must care for ourselves better... we MUST model to our children how this is done... we must ALSO show our children how to love and respect each other... how there are times to support another and... EQUALLY IMPORTANTLY... there are times to ask for support... you don't HAVE TO JUST SURVIVE! It's OK to ask for help!!

I believe we are finally waking up to NOT having to DO IT ALL... WE'RE HANDING SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY BACK!!! Valuing and nurturing OURSELVES is the start, the foundation, the route from where true nourishment, love and kindness will begin and multiply ❤️”

Thanks so much for reading 🥰

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Biscuits for Breakfast - (First published 7th Feb 2024)

As the “New Year, new me” epidemic of this January (and Januarys past) starts to descend on us yet again, it begs the question…

Why do we do this to ourselves every year?

There are many answers to this question, one of which is the obvious marketing ploy of gyms, fitness centres and protein shake companies the world over. Someone (really quite clever) decided it would be the perfect time of year to prey on people’s insecurities, harness their desire for a “better me” and channel it straight into their greedy little money grabbing pockets.

Now, you may have wised up to this marketing ploy and for that I applaud you. It will mean you have been in that god awful place where you swiftly remember that you absolutely hate the gym (always have, always will), but are now slave to it for the entire 12 month contract you unwittingly signed… or, you never go again. Either way, you must begrudgingly part with your hard earned cash every single month, and suffer that feeling of being well and truly shafted up the backside!

Of-course many more social pressures have since been introduced, to fuel the ever-burning fire of failure we hold within us, should we decide not to comply. One of which has been cringingly named “Dry January”… and because of said name, it is immediately obvious who has decided not to partake in this ridiculous idea, as it is very difficult to say as soon as a drop of alcohol has touched your lips! I mean seriously, who the hell decided that giving up booze would be a fantastic thing to do during the most depressing month of the year!

Let’s be honest, January is total and utter shite for several reasons… It’s bad enough that the weather is completely cold, dreary and just plain awful. There’s also a distinct lack of that thing called daylight… and when the sun does come out for two nano seconds, it teases us as it dances on our faces reminding us of what we’re missing, then fucks off for another week or two. Then there’s the fact that we’re all completely skint following Christmas and payday isn’t for, what seems like, forever!

Not to mention that most of us are still reeling from the afore mentioned Christmas, due to spending an unhealthy amount of time with the people we actually try to avoid most of the year… AND we’re all exhausted from being with our lovely (but really quite annoying) little shits – sorry, children – 24/7. Finally… and this is the final nail in the coffin… Feeling like you have an arse the size of Antarctica due to the unholy amount of cheese, crackers, wine, gin, chocolate and Baileys you’ve consumed over the last two weeks.

So, my point is this… Obviously cutting down on alcohol post-Christmas could be advisable, due to previously mentioned size of one’s arse and general feeling of exhaustion and self-loathing… but to cut it out completely, just because someone decided to put a quirky little label on it and, by the way, thinks it’s then ok to go back to seismic drinking habits the very second February the 1^st arrives… Surely, just cutting back a little and resuming normal/acceptable levels of alcohol intake would be far more feasible and achievable. Thus, not making us feel even worse about ourselves at a time when we are most likely to be feeling pretty shit already!

This healthy balance of all things in moderation has to be the right approach, surely. There’s a reason drastic “fad” diets and denying yourself all manner of things that might be slightly unhealthy doesn’t work. It might be possible to keep up with these restrictions for a short while, but even people with the best of intentions will inevitably fall victim to the self-sabotage pit that awaits them at the bottom of the “oh, one won’t hurt” slide straight into failure town.

But it doesn’t need to be this way… If we allow ourselves to enjoy all the wonderful and tasty stuff this world has to offer, in a healthy and balanced amount that suit each of us individually (assuming we are obeying the law, not causing anyone harm or being a total arsehole)… AND we let go of the gut-wrenching guilt and shame surrounding doing anything that’s deemed “bad” for us… Then we CAN live a balanced lifestyle and actually enjoy it! Never needing to subscribe to the unnecessary membership contracts, unattainable fad diets and carelessly invented restrictive pressures, built to prey on our low self-esteem, guilt, shame and general feeling of failure.

Writing about this reminds me of an episode of ‘Orange is the New Black’ that really struck a chord with me at the time, and has since helped me through times of potential self-sabotage. If you’re unfamiliar with the Netflix series, it’s basically about a bunch of female prisoners in America, with the main character being an unlikely inmate and follows her story behind bars. Providing us with an enormous amount of insight into life in a women’s prison along the way. It’s thought provoking, sad and funny in equal measures and as a viewer you begin to find yourself rooting for some of these woman… and they themselves become close and supportive of each other, which is quite wonderful to watch.

In this particular episode towards the end of the last series, the women have been on quite a journey together and are discussing how to overcome self-sabotage and how we have a fresh opportunity each and every day to be a good person and do better, no matter how epically we may have fallen off the wagon before then. I wrote down the exact words that were said by one of the prisoners, during her hugely uplifting moment of realisation… that she has a CHOICE and there is indeed hope of a better life.

So eloquently put! Just because you were one way once, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to be that person forever. You are who you are in each MOMENT… if you lose your shit at your kids one day... you don't have to continue to be that person! And… not just each new day... each new hour, minute, SECOND!

So… if you find yourself behaving in a way you don’t like, or doing something not in line with your ethics and morals… apologise if you need to, forgive yourself and move on. Then, you’ll never need to find yourself sliding into that self-sabotage pit and setting up camp in failure town again.

Thank you so much for reading!

Some Recommendations

1. If you fancy some more New Year’s fun, I highly recommend THIS post from the fabulous and her hilarious Box of Shit! 💩🤣

2. And for a seriously gentle start to 2025, read THIS from the brilliant and her Heart Leap community - which I will be joining for 2025, so maybe I’ll see you there!

3. If you need a short but powerful relaxation, to help bring a softness to your whole body, listen to THIS fabulous meditation from the gorgeous

That’s Enough From Me

Goodbye 2024! Thank you for the good times and for the lesson’s that were learned from the bad. Happy New Year everyone! 🎉✨🥰

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and insights from a slightly un-hinged woman in her
40’s, who is (almost) all out of f*cks to give!

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Share The Feeling Of Life

Dear lovely readers! I won’t keep you long today, as I know (if your Substack inbox looks anything like mine) that the last thing you need right now is another long post to read, so I’ll try and keep it brief.

I just wanted to wish you a calm and cosy Christmas and leave a couple of gems here… which might help you get through (what can be) a very stressful time of year. 😬

Personally, I’m actually feeling very anxious about the “BIG day”… for various reasons (which I won’t go into right now)… So, I’ve been busy trying to keep calm, give myself plenty of time to rest and prepare – it took me 3 hours last night to wrap just 6 presents, due to needing to take rest breaks to relieve the pain in my spine and ribcage, which (for those who might not know) is one of the many “glorious” complications caused by my autoimmune condition… yay! 🙄 Don’t worry, this post will become jollier imminently.

Now For a Bit of Silliness

I’ve been enjoying ’s beautiful digital Advent Calendar throughout December and one of her little challenges was to write a Limerick. Sorry, if you’ve already seen this, as I’m delighted to say it’s been doing the rounds 👏 which made me very happy indeed. 🥰 I was ill (again) at the time of writing and here it is:

You’re welcome! 😉🤣

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In Other News

Amongst other seasonal pressures, is this little thing called “Winter Wonderland” that if you don’t take your kids to (or at the very least a local alternative), you are deemed a bad parent/arsehole for “ruining their Christmas fun” 🙄

So, along with every other fucker, we fell prey to this eye-wateringly expensive Christmas tradition… but not the London one, oh no… we were clever, we went to a smaller, less-crazy-version-of-hell-on-earth-disguised-as-twinkly-fluffy-Christmassy-fun and watched our money disappear faster than shit off a shovel! 🫣

However, this was made slightly more bearable thanks to the hilariously funny ENORMOUS knob-shaped frying pan handles at the Bratwurst stall… 🤣

A Moment of Refection

The school nativity (in which my daughter had the role of: “Stable” – that’s one for the books🤣 - was surprisingly delightful this year and I have to say, I was very pleasantly surprised to see ALL of the audience actually watching the children’s cute little adaptation of the Christmas story… with their EYEBALLS! 👀

Not through a sea of mobile phones as you might expect in this current age of technological overload. It was truly wonderful and heart-warming to watch and got me feeling all fuzzy and Christmas spirity! 🥰 Horraaaaa! 😆

One Christmas Nugget From Me – Gift bags!

Seriously THE best and most life changing Christmas “hack” I allowed myself to start doing two years ago.

Any presents that are going to extended family, anyone outside of your house, or even some of the people in your house… Stuff them in a gift bag and crinkle a piece of red/silver/gold tissue paper over the top of them to hide them from immediate reveal. Done! 🥳

Such a time/stress saving way to “wrap” and they still look pretty, are easier to carry to the car/on the train, etc… AND you’ll be doing your bit for the planet too! Win win 👍

Guilt and Perfection

Now is not the time to go deeply into this one, as I did promise I would keep this short, but can I just say to anyone feeling the pull of guilt, people pleasing tendencies and a need to make everything “perfect” for Christmas… In the nicest possible way… Calm the fuck down!! It’s ONE day! Relax, try to take time out to breathe and gather your brain back together, delegate your arse off and remember that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT!!

Channel your inner Sloth and remind yourself that the people who really matter will still love you even if your turkey ends up dryer than nun’s noonny, or your potatoes are as limp as old man’s penis! Whatever happens, you’ll look back on the day and wonder why you got yourself in such a flap… so don’t! Relax, try to notice those little moments of magic and just BE.♥️

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If you would like some actual practical advice on how to cope with this “magical” season, do have a look at this wonderful article from … If you’re going to read just ONE article (apart from mine obviously 😉)… THIS is the one you need! Trust me, it’s FAB!

Letters From Therapy

Embracing an Authentic Christmess

I’m Kate, a psychotherapist writing about mental health and self-discovery, for you to flourish in a life you love. When we cultivate self-compassion, resilience and understanding, we also create a more harmonious world. Upgrade here for transformative journaling prompts, empowering tools, workbooks…

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2 years ago · 44 likes · 15 comments · Kate Harvey

That’s It From Me!

Ok, that’s enough from me. Wishing you all a calm, cosy and very Merry Christmas! 🎄🎅🏻☃️

See you on the other side! 🥂

Share The Feeling Of Life

I’ve re-purposed it today for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m laid up in bed with a nasty cough and needed something easy to post, which didn’t require much prep.🤒

2. I believe it to be currently relevant and potentially useful/helpful, as we enter this festive (yet, often stressful) time of year.🎄🧡☃️

3. I’m actually really proud of it and wanted to get it further out in the world – apologies if you’ve seen it over at ‘Coffee With Coops’ already.😳

It’s Not Me, It’s You!

Do you find you often seem to be on the receiving end of some pretty nasty behaviour or comments from a friend or a family member? Do you sometimes struggle to understand what on earth you did or said that was so wrong or bad? You may be experiencing what we have all come to know as - projection! I’m sure you’ve heard of this at some point or another, but just in case…

Straightforward Definition:

“Projection is a type of psychological defence mechanism. When people project, they place their negative emotions, beliefs, or traits on someone else. People project to protect themselves from uncomfortable inner conflict and anxiety, but the behaviour can interfere with various relationships and situations.” – You can read more here: Choosing Therapy - but stay with me for now! 😉

Now MY Definition:

“Projection is a confusing malfunction between humans – usually close relatives – where one refuses to recognise that they have issues that need addressing. So, instead of getting the right help required for dealing with those issues, they make other people’s lives a misery as a way of avoiding their uncomfortable negative emotions and to protect their own self-esteem. Great – Thanks!”

Projection Protection

As you might be able to tell by my tone, I have been on the receiving end of such treatment just a few times. Unfortunately, for reasons that are far too long to go into right now, both my parents have become accustomed to this way of behaving. To be fair, apparently it is not always a conscious thing, which is at least a little comforting I guess.

Projection can be a result of subconscious reactions to unpleasant emotions and inner conflict. People use this type of defence mechanism to protect themselves from anxiety and internal discomfort, without being fully aware of what drives their behaviour.

Once you start to understand that the person projecting often has a lack of awareness around their difficult emotions, anxiety and negative beliefs, you can start to tap into your empathy and compassion for that person. This is the first positive step towards protecting yourself from the upsetting and hurtful impact of their behaviour.

Of-course it would be wonderful if your relative/friend/partner could develop some (or a deeper) awareness themselves and work at resolving their issues. However, as we all know, not everyone is as open to this as we might wish they were. So, if this is the case, the best thing you can do is learn how to protect YOURSELF from the full impact of their projection.

Empathy & Compassion

Step 1

Remember, often the cause of a person’s projection stems from deeply rooted past issues, buried in their subconscious (below conscious level). Therefore, (as previously mentioned) this can help us to draw on our empathy and compassion, when we realise that they may not even be aware of what they are doing; and certainly not WHY they are doing it. It’s also helpful to know that…

“Projection is often a reflection of how someone feels about themselves.” - Choosing Therapy

Using that compassion that we now have (hopefully) tapped into, we can try to show patience and understanding. By thinking about the fact that the deep-rooted feelings and beliefs they carry about themselves are SO painful, they have had to push them SO far beneath there conscious mind in order to cope; we can start to understand that it really is nothing to do with US at all! Well, it might be a bit to do with us… it’s worth checking in with yourself just to be sure.😉

Projection Into Reflection

Step 2

Now we have this understanding, we can perhaps deal with the situation more rationally. Rather than react abruptly and defensively, we can stay calm and look at things objectively. Reminding ourselves that this is NOT about our own fears, anxieties, shortcomings, etc… but it is, in fact, all theirs. Hence the title of this piece: “It’s not me, it’s you!” - See what I did there 😆

Note: Whether or not you politely try to point this out, only YOU will know when (or if) that is a good idea. Perhaps they will feel more open to it once they have been bowled over by your amazing empathy and understanding.😉😄

Please also note: Old people are particularly stuck in their ways and will likely show a huge amount of resistance to the slightest mention that it might be a ‘them problem’, so tread carefully – Yes, I am talking from personal experience!

Learn Their Triggers

Step 3

If all else fails and it just - keeps - happening, another step is to LEARN THEIR TRIGGERS! I know, I know, again it’s us doing all the work… but assuming you still want this person in your life and they are miserably blissfully unaware of the whole mess, you will need to do what you can to protect yourself from the full and lasting impact that their showers-of-shit can have on you. So…

…Be Prepared!

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What usually happens right before the avalanche of shit cascades forth from their gob?

2. What do you know about their past that might have impacted them so negatively?

3. What have they experienced to cause them such deep and excruciating pain? So much pain that their subconscious actually stops them from facing it, in order to preserve their ability to function day to day. 😔

   

Acceptance

Step 4

The key to all of this… ACCEPTANCE!

You may have battled with this person in the past and at times you may have even felt like you’d got some way to healing them. But, as much it is admirable that you’re trying to help them, they won’t (and can’t) change anything until they see it for themselves.

It is NOT your job to fix them; and the burden of such a job is something you really don’t need impacting negatively on your life, time and time again.

By accepting this and using some of the tools previously mentioned, you can put yourself in a position less vulnerable to the negative impact of their shit-storm.

“Duck It!” (and no that is not a typo😆)

At times like these, I like to keep in mind this phrase:

‘Like water off a duck’s back’ 🦆

The key being that no matter how much “water” is sent your way, you can think of yourself as a calm contented duck, just floating peacefully around a lake in the knowledge that the water will just glide right off you again.

It needn’t get under your skin and impact your mood or your general wellbeing; it is NOT yours to absorb!

It was my dad who taught me that 🥰

Thank you for reading and I hope you found this article of some use - If you enjoyed it, please click on the little ♥️ and/or comment below… this really helps other people find it. Thank you! 🙏

Inspired by recent events in my own life, I have been reminded (yet again) how being in the company of certain people can make you feel like you are failing or not “doing life” properly.

We can do so much work on ourselves and try hard to build our self-esteem, only to have it come crashing down in a matter of hours. That is how delicate these things can be and how strong and powerful the old deeply ingrained limiting beliefs are.

Considering how much work it takes to re-build our self-esteem and create new, healthy beliefs and a TRUE sense of self, we must remember to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion and confidently guard our emotional wellbeing.

It is not always easy to carve out a life for yourself that is right for you and that perhaps other people don’t fully understand or appreciate, but it is essential that you create a life that suits you! We are not here to live a life that others “approve” of, or one that we feel we are “supposed” to have.

The Social Media Lie

One of the things that makes this so hard to do is that damn thing called social media! Whilst I can fully appreciate it has its uses, as you might have guessed, I am not a fan. In fact, I have fallen so out of love that I recently took steps to come off of it all together.

Now, I’m not suggesting you do the same because then I would be telling you how to live YOUR life. I’m simply mentioning it as a reminder to not compare yourself to everyone’s “best bits” of their lives. A person’s Instagram account is simply NOT a true representation of their life… of-course it isn’t… who in their right mind would want to post a picture of their child having a tantrum, or the house looking like a pigsty… Nobody!

So, just remember that behind every “perfect” Instagram photo or Facebook story, is a crying child, a huge mound of laundry or a whole bunch of clutter. Give yourself a break and remember that what you are seeing is only a fraction of the story. Real life is messy… real life is not perfect, real life keeps moving and real life is a beautiful disaster!

Some Tough Love!

YOU are in charge of your life, your choices, your decisions… YOU are the one who can try things, change things, leave a bad situation, distance yourself from toxic people. You CAN do whatever it is you need or want to do to make your life the way that is right for you.

Don’t be afraid of other people’s beliefs or opinions, they belong to them NOT you. You don’t have to take on other people’s ideals. Trust your instincts, search inside for your own values, beliefs and ideas and make them happen. You CAN do it! You MUST do it!

You’ve got this! 💛

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My Personal Experience

My youngest daughter, who is now (at the time of writing) 8 years old, has struggled with controlling her emotions for a very long time. With a particular tendency to have sudden and dramatic anger outbursts, which would often result in screaming, crying, throwing things and even occasionally (very sadly) trying to hurt herself. 😔

After many years of extensive research, hard work and devoted commitment, I am so proud to say that I have been largely successful in helping her manage her “difficult” emotions and guide her towards better and more appropriate/acceptable ways to process them. Through my experience and with a lot of trial and error, I have concluded that there are 6 KEY elements to supporting your child that are absolutely VITAL and enormously effective.

Key Element #1

Telling (and showing) your child that EVERY emotion they have is absolutely acceptable and you "still love them, even when they are angry". BUT, if the BEHAVIOUR/REACTION to their strong emotion is inappropriate, you must tell them this - AFTER they have calmed down - and tell/show them more appropriate or acceptable ways to deal with the difficult feelings. “It is ok to feel angry, but it is not ok to hit your brother… slam the door… break your toys… shout at mummy”, etc.

You could say to them that next time they start to feel angry/frustrated, they could come and ask you for help rather than lashing out. This will take some time for them to get used to, but it will come. The simple offer of a hug can do absolute wonders as I explain in THIS article, where I share a situation from the earlier days with my daughter.

Why This is Vital

Your child needs to understand the difference between the emotion they are experiencing and the behaviour they are displaying. They need to know that it is OK to have the feelings, but NOT ok to lash out/hurt someone (for example). This is where we come in to support them and coach them through learning more controlled or acceptable ways to manage their difficult emotions.

So often, we rush to “correct” the undesirable behaviour before addressing the first “problem”, which is our child’s overwhelm and loss of control. Once this has passed, with support, reassurance and/or comfort from us, and everyone is calm… THEN we can address the behaviour issue.

*Have you ever tried to reason with a overwhelmed, tired, hungry, screaming child? It is literally impossible! Meet the need, THEN discuss the deed.. see what I did there 😉

Key Element #2

Try not to send them away or make them feel dismissed or ashamed for having the difficult emotions. Although sometimes this is absolutely necessary and if you need to remove them from a volatile situation, or because they are behaving inappropriately in public, absolutely do this.

However, try (where possible) to stay with (or very near) them and support them through the emotion by saying you are there when they need you. Or (if they'll let you), simply hold them... give them a hug... show them that you are there for them no matter what… That your love for them is unconditional.💛

Why This is Vital

This will build trust and a strong bond that will serve you both well for the next time. Just as we would comfort a child when they are feeling sad, frightened or worried… The same should apply when they are feeling angry, frustrated or disappointed. Remember, it is the EMOTION you are paying attention to, NOT the behaviour. That gets dealt with AFTER everyone has calmed down.

Key Element #3

Set an example!! By this, I DO NOT mean be perfect all the time and never show your anger or other negative emotions. What I mean by this is that when you find yourself getting angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to share how you are feeling by acknowledging and naming the emotions. This will help your child see first-hand that, not only is it totally normal to get those kinds of feelings, but it will also help THEM learn how to identify and name them.

The next step to follow this is modelling the more appropriate/acceptable ways to deal with the big difficult feelings. For example, by taking a deep breath when you are angry. Or saying that you need to count to 10 to calm down… or simply expressing your frustration (where appropriate – depending on the age of your child) and saying that you just need some time to finish something or figure something out.

Why This is Vital

By doing this, you are not only helping yourself to calm down, but you are also teaching your child valuable lessons in how to manage THEIR difficult feelings. Also (and perhaps MOST importantly) you are helping your child to build an understanding that they are NOT alone in feeling big negative emotions and that we are all human and NOBODY is perfect! This will be of HUGE benefit as they are building their own self-esteem. *I feel this could be a great topic to expand on another time perhaps*

Key Element #4

Are they simply hot and bothered, tired or disappointed? There can often be some more “simple” and easily fixable situations that are leading to your child’s anger and/or outbursts of emotion. Personally, I have noticed that when my daughter gets too hot and/or thirsty, it can escalate her feelings of anger or overwhelm very, very quickly! I’ve often found that simply asking her to come and sit in the shade and have a drink of water can dissipate any signs of a pending outburst and help her to “cope” much better with the activities in a busy place, for example.

Another observation I’ve made is that disappointment seems to be a very difficult emotion to manage (as with a lot of children, I’m sure). The key with this is to NOT be AFRAID of the emotion… definitely DO NOT start giving in to your child and let them have what they want in order to avoid the disappointment, but rather be prepared to acknowledge the feelings and be ready to support them through it.

We mustn’t be afraid of the potential outbursts… think of every time it happens as another opportunity to guide them on their way to better self-control and healthy management of their feelings. Also, life will happen and children need to learn to deal/adapt to all sorts of situations… the last thing you want is to feel like you’re constantly treading on eggshells or avoiding certain places/activities due to fear of an outburst. That’s not good for anybody in the family, least of all your child.

Why This is Vital

You can help your child to feel understood by saying things like “I know it’s hard when you can’t have/do something you want, and I can see you’re really disappointed”. They will feel heard, understood and supported and if they need to be upset/grumpy about it for a while, THAT’S OK! Let them!

They will soon snap out of it when you move onto the next thing and you can remind them you are available for hugs/comfort when they are ready. Continuing to build that trust I was talking about earlier and MOST importantly solidifying their understanding that they are NOT a bad person for having difficult emotions.

Key Element #5

Is your child being ignored, rushed or pulled from an activity suddenly? I do appreciate that parenting is hard and often these situations can’t be avoided. However, keeping things at a calm pace will help your child enormously to cope with their emotions. One of the best things I have ever done as a parent is to slow down! We all know that children are in their own wonderful little world when they are immersed in an activity that they enjoy.

Young children have absolutely no concept of time and really couldn’t give a shit if “we’re running late for Aunty Susan’s BBQ… or we’re going to miss Cousin Julie’s Christening”. The selfish little fuckers think the world revolves around them, and whatever they want to do is WAY more important than any appointment and/or work commitments we might have. They also give absolutely zero fucks about how this might impact you for the rest of your day/life! So… we have to set them up to succeed in difficult/surprising/sudden changes in situation.

Top Tips

1. Try to remember to give plenty of warning when it’s almost time to leave/finish something and make sure they have heard you (by getting them to look at you or repeat back if necessary).

2. If they are old enough show them a clock and say, “when the big hand gets to there, we need to…” and try to involve them in the process by getting them to help you prepare a bag, etc…

3. Allow extra time for letting them do things for themselves… getting dressed, putting shoes and coats on for example. (More about the importance of autonomy in #6 below)

Why This is Vital

Whilst it is important to teach children to adapt and be able to cope with these kinds of situations in life, it is vital to remember not to rush them in being able to do so. We need to show empathy and understanding towards our children, in order that they can feel safe to make mistakes and know that you are not judging them and that you are there to guide and support them.

I now try to leave an extra half an hour for any “getting ready to leave the house” situations, to allow extra time for sudden needs for a wee (actually usually me), doing things like packing a little bag for themselves, the teenager who insists she’s ready but then suddenly realises she has no socks on 🙄 and the very important modern necessity – water bottle prep! 😆

Side note: If you absolutely HAVE to get to Grandma’s party (and it is just NOT worth the shit-show that would follow a late arrival) and your gorgeous little gremlin is being an absolute arsehole, despite all your best efforts to stay calm and ‘gentle supportive parent’ the shit out of the situation... My best advice would be to just grab their clothes (and whatever else they are refusing to put on), bundle them in the car and just get going!

You can support them with this by saying “I love you and I am ready to give you support/hugs, but right now we HAVE to get in the car/leave the house… when we get to… we can have a cuddle and sort this out.” I often find that the change in scenery/atmosphere that then occurs is usually enough to distract them/calm them down, which then gives you time to breathe and think about how to take the next best steps.

Key Element #6

Are you doing everything for them? Are they frustrated and often shout about wanting to do things for themselves? It is worth having a think about how much autonomy you allow your children to have and ask yourself, are there things they could do but “because it’s easier or quicker” you do it yourself?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you suddenly let them cook a 3-course meal because THEY WANT to… I’m simply suggesting that wherever possible, try to allow them the freedom to do things for themselves when they really want to try. *Age appropriate, as obviously safety is a factor here*

From my personal experience, I’ve learned that the more I have tried to let go of controlling every little thing (because it’s quicker and/or less messy if I do it), the less frustrated and angry my daughter would become when she wanted to try things herself. It can be very difficult and time consuming to allow your child more freedom, but it really is essential in building their confidence and self-esteem.

Why This is Vital

When we parent in a controlling way (often with the best of intentions) using high supervision and monitoring, we are undermining our child’s own independence and confidence. By carefully curating their environment or trying to “rescue” them from stress and destress or “save” them from emotional pain, we are unintentionally undermining their skills and development. However, if we try to take on our child’s perspective by using empathy, giving them choices, listening to and coaching them (but NOT doing it for them) we are doing them the biggest favour.

By having more freedoms to try, fail and perfect a task… this will not only help to build their confidence and independence as they start to master skills, but you are also helping them to learn coping skills and build belief in themselves. Also (and perhaps most importantly) you are showing them that YOU believe in them, that you TRUST them and that you ACCEPT them fully as a person and LOVE them unconditionally. 💛

This will build on that bond and trust between you and your child and ultimately further strengthen the relationship between you, which will in turn assist you in your endeavours to support your child with the management of their emotions.

Lastly

Please remember that my intension here is not to make anyone feel inadequate or like they are doing things ‘wrong’. There is no ‘right’ way to parent and I am merely sharing with you my first-hand experience, in the hope that it may be of use or support to someone out there. I feel very passionately that we must build each other up and not bring anyone down, as the job we have as parents is already hard enough. Please look after yourselves and remember to put value on what you do every day, by just showing up for your kids. Big hugs 🥰

Thank you for reading my insights into managing your child’s emotions. If you liked it, please let me know by pressing the little ❤️ as this means so much to me. Feel free to share it too if you know someone who might find it useful.

Also, please do let me know in the comments if you can relate to any of my experiences and how you have coped with it. I’m interested to hear other viewpoints and it may help somebody else here to read it too! 🥰

P.s. If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy THIS… where I give my opinions on ‘supportive parenting’, why tantrums ARE normal, kids and smart phones and more.

So, without further ado, onto this month’s nurturing (and hopefully helpful) words of wisdom. I’ve been struggling with a few things lately, one of which is the ability to stay calm when things get a little hectic. If you’re anything like me, chaos can cause stress, anger and overwhelm - and a lot quicker these days it would seem. 🙄

Yes indeed wise, serene (and oh so cute) Sloth. But how does one do that when in the midst of chaos?

I like to think of it like this… if you are in the middle of a shit storm and you’re about to lose it/shout/swear/throw things/etc… will that actually help the situation or indeed make it much worse AND leave you with a whole heap of guilt to deal with ON TOP of everything else?!

In this fast-paced world, chaos often ensues due to an overload of work, kids, house stuff, school admin (soooooo much school admin! Why?!), a billion clubs and various other commitments. We often find ourselves rushing from one place to the next, barely able to breathe in between.

Lately, I have tried to channel my inner Sloth and slow the fuck down! Someone who has helped me enormously with this is , who writes the gorgeous Generosity of Spirit, where she shares ideas and tips on slow and gentle living. I love how she breaks things down into easy and manageable steps and I thoroughly recommend taking a look.

I’ve noticed that by slowing down and implementing some of Emily’s wonderful ideas, it has already had a hugely positive impact on my general mood and overall ability to enhance my calm. It has also helped me to notice where I am focusing too much of my time and energy. How holding onto stress and anger has been negatively impacting me and adding to my general feeling of stress and overwhelm.

We could all do with channelling our inner Sloth and slowing down a little. Just enough to breathe… to notice where you are wasting time and energy and what small steps you could take to enhance YOUR calm and become less angry and overwhelmed.

Also, DO NOT spread yourself too thin, DO NOT say yes to everything and STOP being a people pleaser! Sorry, just a flash of tough love there, in case you needed it. 💛

This really hit home for me and is a great reminder that YOU are in charge of YOUR own life and of YOUR own choices! If you’re feeling angry and overwhelmed because you are giving too much of yourself to people - Just STOP!

Anyway, that’s it for now. I hope this has been helpful in some way… Bye for now and remember - Go forth and channel that (oh so cute) inner Sloth!! 🦥 🥰

Today I would like to talk about self-doubt and that relentless inner critic. This is something that I have struggled with for many many years... and still do if I’m honest. I have worked hard over the years to not listen to that inner voice as much, but it is really hard!

I’ve always been someone who will hesitate to do something, through fear of it not being good enough. However, since taking small brave steps (slowly but surely 🐌), I have found that just going for it has brought me so much joy!

It turns out that the self-doubt I’ve been carrying around all these years was a kind of “safety net” that stopped me from taking any risks… the trouble is, it also stopped me from living and immersing myself in many joyful experiences. I haven’t always got things right, or even been very good at some things, but guess what? I survived!

So, I suppose what I’m trying to say here is - Why not give it a go! Whatever it is, just go for it... how will you get good at something anyway (or know if it’s for you) if you don’t even give it a go? You never know, you might actually be much better than you think you’ll be ❤️

I found out exactly this just yesterday, in the most wonderful way - A writer - - who I very much admire, and who inspired me to start my Substack in fact, paid me a wonderful compliment ☺️ It was following THIS POST that I published on Monday, where I shared some of my latest poems.

She said “Your writing is beautiful” 👏🥳💞 This meant the absolute world to me, and whilst seeking validation is not what I’m here for, it is very nice to get it every now and again. I guess my point is - Just keep going with doing what you love and you never know who might be quietly enjoying your work. ❤️

I’ve been a little quiet on here lately, as I have been recovering from major surgery which I had 6 weeks ago. I am happy to report that all went well and I have almost made a full recovery 👍💞

Thoughts & Comments

I’d like to share my thoughts/comments on the following article from The Parenting Guide which you can read in full HERE – Just make sure you come back to me! 🙏

Here was my response to the article, titled “Actually, Tantrums Aren’t Normal” 🙄

“I was immediately uncomfortable with this generalisation that a child is not "normal" if they have a tantrum... or that the parent is bad for "letting it get to that point". The last thing we need is another badly put together, one sided generalisation that makes parents feel guilty or like a failure. The reason tantrums have become common place, is because parents are up against it... in that, most need to work and general life pressures are higher than ever! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love to pay the amount of attention to our toddlers that is required in order to prevent one single tantrum... but that is not possible in today's society.

We have to teach our children that, to a certain extent, things will not be as they wish and we can support them in a nurturing way through the big, difficult feelings. However, we should not be demonising parents, but rather supporting them to do the best they can with the circumstances in which we all live. This is why tantrums are in fact a "normal" part of THIS modern life and so too is teenagers slamming doors, etc... The ‘trick’ is to be aware of WHY these things might be happening and try (when possible) to support our children through these challenging times.”

Kids & Smart Phones

I shall finish today with a comment I made in response to THIS post written by who writes the hugely factual and often hilarious “Is My Kid the Arsehole” Again, please be sure to come back to me 😬

The conversation around kids and smart phones is an interesting and often controversial, yet hugely important one. I was compelled to answer Melinda’s invitation to share our individual strategies and experience surrounding our children’s use of phones. Here is what I had to say…

“This is such an important conversation and I feel comfortable sharing here, as you've been so clear on your stance that it is important not to judge or shame other parents for their choices. 👍

My 14-year-old has had a phone since she was 12... mostly because she was walking to school at that stage (not far and with friends) and it felt like the right time for her, as a very sensible child. We have a family sharing app called "Family Links" where we can limit her time on certain apps and time on the phone overall.

We also have an 8pm rule where the phone goes off (managed on the app) and gets charged outside her bedroom. She has a daily limit of 4 hours (which seems like a lot, but she hardly ever uses it all). No phones at the dinner table and we ask her to join us every weekday evening for at least an hour, so we can spend time with her and have conversations that need to be had then, rather than at bedtime!

This seems to work well for us and gives our daughter enough feeling of independence and autonomy, which makes her less argumentative and more co-operative overall. She is in complete control of when she does her homework, so long as it is done before bedtime and she is getting good grades and reports from school. She knows that if any of this slides, she will lose some of the freedom that she has. This seems to be enough to motivate her to be responsible and continue to do well at school.

She has no social media accounts (apart from Tik-Tok, which we really regret) and we have made it clear that we won't even discuss changing this until she is at least 16 and we have explained our reasons why. We have had open conversations around keeping safe online and how it does not matter one bit what anyone else is doing, we are her parents and it is completely our choice to manage this minefield as we see fit. Also, that ultimately, we are doing what we're doing to keep her safe and/or protect her developing mind from an unnecessary bombardment of addictive mind-numbing content.

I strongly agree that each individual family has a right to make a choice that works for them and it irritates me when people try to encourage a blanket rule amongst groups of children (i.e. a year group). I think that the emphasis should ALWAYS be on educating parents and children around safety online, rather than banning phones until a certain age, etc...

No matter how much you think you're protecting your children by completely banning something, they will source it out elsewhere (through friends) and then those important conversations will not have been had and they could then not be safe.

As I mentioned briefly earlier, our only regret is allowing Tik-Tok so early. However, we have managed this by limiting the app to 20 minutes a day and she is only allowed a ‘private’ account, so only her friends (in real life) can see her content. Other people may be comfortable with social media earlier and this is fine too - my only comment would be that they are rated 16/18 for a reason and I would hope that conversations were being had also. Each to their own - Live and let live as they say.” 😊

Supportive Parenting

I mentioned briefly in my comments above about the importance of allowing children the freedom to explore and learn about the dangers of being online, rather than enforcing an out-right ban. If you would like to read more about this Dr. Emily Edlynn has written a fantastic book called Autonomy – Supportive Parenting, where she explains that…

“our culture is feeding controlling impulses in parents, which is leading to intensive and controlling parenting”

Dr. Edlynn highlights the importance of nurturing three fundamental human needs in our children. I have listed a short summary of these below.

1. Autonomy – Knowing who I am and having the freedom to be myself

2. Competence – Mastery, I have skills, I know what I’m doing, I can be independent

3. Relatedness – Connection with others, belonging, in loving caring relationships

Emily talks about the benefits of supportive parenting, such as building our children’s confidence in their own skills and coping strategies, instilling our belief and trust in them and thus showing unconditional love and true acceptance of who our child is as a person. This can help to…

“Lower the risk of mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression”

Whereas with controlling parenting we are at risk of shaping them in our own image, instilling shame and guilt and undermining our child’s own independence. By trying to rescue them from stress and destress or “save” them from emotional pain, we are actually taking away their chance to learn and develop those vital skills for themselves – with our guidance and support of-course.

“We feel like we’re protecting our children from pain, but we’re actually robbing them from the opportunity to develop their own skills and confidence in handling the world and discovering who they are”

If you would like to listen to Dr. Emily Edlynn’s talk about this in more detail, you can do so in this YouTube video HERE.

Ok, that’s it for now – don’t forget to like, comment and share – it really means so much to me.

Thank you! 🤗

I was initially drawn to the space, as Emma talks about the importance of caring for ourselves alongside our children and breaking generation cycles, which is something I am also passionate about. I felt welcome immediately, as Emma says, “This space will hold you as you be in motherhood”.

I felt comfortable and safe to share openly and honestly about my own personal experience of motherhood. Here is what came up… (I have kept my answers exactly how they were at the time I answered them, to maintain authenticity).

Unspoken Words - Being in Motherhood

A Short Bio
Forty-something divorced mum of two girls, now 14 and 8 (at time of writing). Making my way through the teenager thing - that's new! Battling a chronic Autoimmune disease and perimenopause - that's fun! Basically just trying to do my best at life with patience, love and kindness... and with some newly found self-compassion ❤️

Q: One thing that is hard to admit about motherhood?
A: I don't always "like" my children!
I feel immediately compelled to follow that up with "of-course, I love my children" which I do… deep down 😄 But I have to admit there are times when they behave a certain way that I'm like 'Ooo, you are such a dick!' In my head of-course, don't worry. I'm hoping by being honest about this, I might alleviate someone else's guilt for ever feeling this way... or for swearing at them silently behind their back as they turn to leave the room. Anyone? No… just me… oh dear 😳

Q: Another thing that’s hard to admit about motherhood?
A: I used to judge other mums so badly 😔
Before I was a mum, I used be so quick to judge other mums (only ever in my head, luckily). I feel terrible now for the way I used to look at other mums out and about and be like 'what are they doing?' and 'that child clearly needs xyz' and 'I'm never going to do that when I'm a mum' and 'my child would never dream of behaving that way', etc, etc... you get the idea. Oh, how smug I was! 🤣

Q: Other things that are hard to admit about motherhood?
A: I enjoy my time away from them! 😟
The one 'perk' (shall we call it) of divorcing the father of your children (besides the fact that you don't have to live with a person that made you feel like shit every day, just for being you!) is that you get a break! Even now (7 years later) it is hard to admit that I actually enjoy that time away from them. It sounds so bad saying it out loud, but I love it!

I get to recharge and have some time to be quiet, calm and think (and write). Time to assess where we are and what I could better as a mum. Time to reset and focus on areas that need work. Time to rest and care for myself! Something I had always struggled with, until I became ill and it became essential. Something I now know I HAVE to do if I am going to be the best mum I can be for my children.

Q: What is one truth motherhood has taught you?
A: There is no "right" way to parent!

Q: What does it feel like to be in Motherhood this season?
A: I'm slightly confused by the word "season" here... do we mean season as in Spring, summer, etc... or season as in "stage"... like peri-menopausal with teenager? I think it might mean the latter, although for what it's worth, parenting in Spring in England is delightful! 😆

This stage of motherhood for me is a mixed bag really... in one way I have started to "get my life back" as they say. Although I've never been keen on that phrase... somehow sounding like you were robbed of the best years of your life when you CHOSE to have children, just doesn't sit right with me. Although I get it, in the sense that you are no longer required to give absolutely every waking minute to your children, and they can fend for themselves more.

I'm not going to lie, that is really nice. But it also feels strangely unsettling and you can be left feeling a bit lost or redundant at times. And... I'll admit, I haven't got the excuse of "the kids need me" anymore in relation to my endless procrastination with pursuing my (other) passions. The fear of failure, or not being good enough, must be conquered at long last… and that is scary!

Q: What Advice, words, support or encouragement can you share about motherhood?
A: Just a few little nuggets…

1. Always trust your instincts

2. Do NOT read any parenting books!

3. Be KIND to yourself

4. Never feel guilty for too long... Apologise (if you need to), assess what you need to do differently (if anything) and LET IT GO!!

5. Ask for help

6. Never regret anything, just learn from it

7. What will be will be

8. Allow yourself to rest and recharge... You can't pour from an empty cup!

Q: Anything else you feel called to share?
A: Just a lovely quote that has always stuck with me, about embracing the highs and lows of life...

Motherhood Musings - Being in Motherhood

Q: Expectation before becoming a mother?
A: I had very high expectations of myself as a mother and felt very strongly that I "should" be good at it and take it in my stride. I expected to be fully organised, together and on top of things 100% of the time. It was my purpose in life, my job... there was no room for failure!

Q: Why?
A: Having a Childcare qualification and experience as a Nursery Nurse and a Nanny for many years. Also, having a teacher for a mum.

Q: Reality?
A: I was very organised and found the practical stuff easy... like bathing, changing, dressing, routines, bottles, packing a bag to go out, getting out and about to playgroups etc... meeting other mums/nannies. I already had a support network of nannies/mums that I'd built from my nanny job, so that part was easy.

I didn't stop to think that it was maybe too much, and I just kept going on this weird adrenaline rush... then it hit me! It was too overwhelming, I was exhausted, in pain, questioning my every move, beating myself up if I didn't keep on top of the practical things for one day... or even one morning!! The pressure I put on myself was immense!! My inner critic grew and became louder and louder… I became more and more depressed and angry with myself. I felt like a total failure, I was broken.

Q: How did you cope?
A: After having my head firmly in the sand for over a year, I finally had to admit I wasn't coping and I needed help. My husband was luckily very supportive and did wonder how on earth I was managing to do so amazingly well, and never appeared to be struggling. It turns out he thought it was "unusual" but didn't want to "jinx" it, because life was 'going so well'... for him.

With support from friends, family and other new mothers, I finally allowed myself to have flaws, to not be OK ALL of the time, to admit I was struggling and to give myself TIME! Time to rest, relax, let the little things go, and look after myself and my mental wellbeing - The best decision I ever made!

Q: What was the hardest thing for you?
A: Breast Feeding!! (Internal and external pressure made this a nightmare for me).

Q: Your message to other mums?
A: Be KIND to yourself! Give yourself TIME and COMPASSION to adjust to this huge life changing event. Allow yourself to be open and honest about how you feel and NEVER EVER compare yourself to other mothers!

Q: An expectation that became a reality?
A: I expected to be quite good at managing my child's emotional needs / behaviour and it turns out I am (not always) but a lot of the time... and that is good enough!

Q: Anything else you would like to add?
A: I am absolutely passionate about us supporting each other through Motherhood and being kind and compassionate towards, not just each other, but (perhaps more importantly) ourselves. My mission (with my writing and sharing) is to empower women/mothers to see the priceless value in nurturing our own and our children's emotional wellbeing.

Recognising that by modelling kindness and compassion towards ourselves, we can have the patience and understanding needed to guide our children to do the same. By first nurturing ourselves, it gives us the capacity to listen, accept, understand and nurture our children's emotions... In a way that helps them feel valued, heard, supported and understood.

And Finally - Something to remind us we are not alone, and perhaps doing a little better than we think! 😉

Thank you for reading and if you’d like to comment and let me know if any of this resonated with you, or tell me about your own experience, that would be wonderful! Thanks again for the questions ☺️

I mean, is it really such a bad thing to find a way to actually ENJOY life?! Are people jealous if someone can juggle life and all the things that are thrown at them and still be happy? Are they envious that I have found a balance that lets me work and be with the children in the amounts that suit me and works for us?

I find myself thinking things like; “I’d better dull it down a bit... make sure I 'fit in' by having stress, struggles and unhappiness in my life.” God forbid we actually enjoy life and get the balance right! It’s almost like if we're not struggling, we don't fit in! What is it about society that can make us feel so bad about being happy or successful that we actually stop ourselves from doing it?

Is it society generally though, or is closer than that? Is it friends, circumstances, family, upbringing, schools, attitudes, etc... What stops us from taking the steps to get to where we really want to be?

Success Blockers

Since around 2014, I’ve been making notes and observations about our cycles of behaviour and the choices we keep making that aren’t serving us well. We hear about ‘Success Blockers’ a lot in the self-development world and it’s a term I’m sure that most are familiar with. Just in case some are not, and to create clarity for those who are, I have pulled a great explanation from something I found online.

My Personal Experience

For me personally, I’ve always been great at removing those outer blocks. Those actionable, practical solutions have never really been an issue for me. There’s an obstacle, I figure out how to get past it, set some goals and go for it. However, those inner blocks, they are a force to be reconned with. Ooof! So, this is what I’m really here to talk about. Why, when we’ve actioned those outer blocks so successfully, do we still find ourselves failing or giving up?

For many years I struggled to figure out what was stopping me. My path was clear, the goals to remove the outer blocks were met, there was nothing in my way, what was holding me back? I would find myself making excuses like “I can’t do that now, I’ve got a baby on the way” or “my husband needs my support” or “my family needs me”. All very admirable excuses of-course… how convenient. Then it hit me… if I was honest… there was really nothing in my way except for ME! So, as the advice says; “it is up to us to dig a little deeper to uncover where that comes from and get to the core of it”. I got to work.

What I discovered was interesting to say the least, but also a little surprising. I’ve decided to share my personal experience in the hope that perhaps someone might relate and/or find it helpful in some way.

I believe strongly that being as open and honest as possible and by sharing our experiences, we can comfort and support others and perhaps give them the confidence or strength they need to take that next step. Or, at the very least, to not feel so alone.

Fear & Staying Comfortable

As stated above; “Inner blocks tend to be more focused on fear, guilt, perceptions, self-doubt, assumptions, anger and conflict.” Funnily enough a few of those came up and, for me, the biggest ones were guilt, self-doubt and fear. Fear of what? What could the thought of succeeding in my dreams possibly make me fearful of? Fear of failure perhaps… nope, fear of success itself, it turns out.

It just so happened that after setting out on this voyage of self-discovery, one of the things I was most scared of was actually succeeding! Because that would mean having to keep it going… to continue to be confident and successful, constantly striving to be the best I can be, to turn up and keep turning up, to be WAY out of my comfort zone.

So, instead of pushing myself past the 'uncomfortable' phase of moving forward, I made excuses to stay where it was 'comfortable', where it felt familiar and safe, where I felt confident and knew what I was doing… caring for children and being a mum. The question I was then forced to ask myself was; How long will I hide behind the smoke screen of being a nanny, a mum and a childminder, because that is viewed as worthwhile and gives me a purpose and a distraction? The answer… as long as I kept believing the constant barrage of negative self-chatter.

The Inner Critic Dickhead!

That voice in my head telling me… "You’re not good enough", "you’re not smart enough”, "people will laugh at you", "who do you think you are", "you think you're so good", "think you've got it all worked out", "stop being a know it all", "people don't want to hear it", "don't be silly", "you’ll embarrass yourself”, "they don't want you", "you'll fail", "you don't deserve it"!!

Wow, that is a lot. That is one nasty inner critic! But where does it come from? I’m pretty sure nobody has actually said ANY of those things to me... not about this and certainly not in my adult life. In any case, there it was, and there it remained for many, many years.

Fear and self-sabotage were doing a pretty good job by themselves at this stage, but there was something else holding me back, something big, perhaps the worst of them all - Guilt. As I delved deeper, it soon became apparent that I seemed to be feeling guilty about rather a lot.

Things I wasn’t even aware of, things you might not think of, surprising things. As the years went by and I was working hard, really hard, on overcoming the afore mentioned issues around fear and that pesky inner critic, it became harder and harder to ignore these feelings of guilt. But what were they about? Where did they come from?

A little background…

I grew up in a lovely area in Surrey, England with a fantastic hands-on mum and a kind and caring dad (who worked a lot and wasn’t around much – but that was kind of the norm back then I guess). My sister is the eldest, then my brother, then me. We largely had a happy childhood, lots of freedom to play and explore, plenty of neighbours to play out with (back when it was safe to do that).

We didn’t have a lot of money, but we had enough for the odd holiday here and there, we were happy and we had a lot of fun. As we grew older, my sister naturally stopped playing and got on with being a teenager, but me and my brother were inseparable, always had been. We would play for hours, building dens or hanging out in the tree house watching planes, or making home movies with our camcorder (wow, I sound so old right now!).

Then, my brother got older, but still we kept on hanging out. He didn’t seem to have many friends, but that worked out well for me, so I didn’t really give it much thought. We would build things, create and perform magic shows for our parents, play computer games… endless hours of fun.

But something wasn’t right, the atmosphere shifted, moods changed, conflict occurred more frequently, my brother seemed to be struggling. With what I wasn’t sure, but the anger outbursts were scary. I was frightened, I didn’t understand what was happening to my best friend. Was he ok? Had I done something wrong?

Why was my sweet, kind and thoughtful brother behaving like this? What was wrong with him? I was so confused… I desperately wanted to help, but how? I felt helpless, but worse than that, my parents didn’t seem to know what was happening either. “He’s just a teenage boy”, “don’t worry, he’ll settle down”, “everything will be fine” – all said with the best of intentions of-course.

But it wasn’t fine, it never really was fine ever again. What felt like overnight, I lost my best friend. My brother was there, but he wasn’t himself, something had taken hold of him, scrambled him up and made him all weird and scary. Something I now know to be mental illness, of what kind, it is still not clear to me to this day.

The years went on, the conflict took hold, the unpredictable and sometimes frightening behaviour continued. The health professionals did their best, my parents did their best. Mental illness was still so largely misunderstood back then, there was little hope. My parents fought through the years trying to deal with each hurdle, each challenge, each tragedy with what little tools they had.

As for me, well I dissolved into the background. I made myself quiet and less visible, patiently observing, keeping myself busy, making sure I didn’t create any more problems for my parents. The calm would arrive and I would emerge, ready to comfort and soothe, to listen and try to bring joy and positivity. I became the fixer, the voice of reason, the glue that held us together. I had a purpose, they needed me.

So, why would having success in my life make me feel guilty? Well, it turns out there were a few reasons. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the most prominent of which was the guilt of having success and happiness in my life, when my brother doesn’t get to.

Why do I get to enjoy life when he has to deal with so much turmoil and heart ache? How dare I be happy when my elderly parents are still battling their way through the challenges of caring for my brother? It took a lot of years and a lot of therapy to work that one out.

We Have Choices

It all boils down to choice, we all have a choice. Everyone is where they are because of the choices they’ve made. Now bear with me on this one, I can hear a lot of “it wasn’t my choice to get cancer” or “I didn’t get a choice when xyz happened to me”. Just like I didn’t get a choice when the brother I knew and loved more than anyone was taken from my world.

Just like I didn’t get a choice when I myself got cancer, or when I got my diagnosis of a life long autoimmune disease. However, we do still have a choice as to how we respond to those challenges. How much help we ask for, how many adjustments we make, whether or not we utilise the resources available to us, and whether we fight or give up.

Our loved ones have a choice too, about how much they let it affect them, how involved they choose to be. You can be a good friend or family member, you can support, listen and be there for people, but ultimately it is down to them to make changes if they want or need to.

Just like it is up to my brother to choose to use the resources available to him to help him get better, instead of hitting the self-destruct button over and over and over again.

How it is also up to my parents to choose how much they continue to try to ‘help’ my brother well into his adult years, instead of setting him free to learn for himself. Allowing themselves to make the best of the years they have left, because they deserve it.

We all have a personal responsibility to make the best choices for our own individual circumstances. Every person also has a choice to protect their own wellbeing with clear boundaries and kind explanations. A choice that I finally made when I just couldn’t take any more of the pain, destruction and chaos that followed me well into my thirties.

A choice I made in order to break the cycle of destruction and protect mine and children’s mental wellbeing. A choice that meant I had to distance myself from the source of this pain. A choice I slowly and carefully made clear around three years ago, when I last spoke to my brother. 💛

On a Lighter Note

I realised I was feeling guilty about a couple of other things too. These were the slightly surprising things I was talking about, one of which was - making money. Strange one I know, I mean I’m not even sure how much money I’m capable of making.

Anyway, it turns out I felt that if I succeeded and earned good money, then I would be buying into a part of society which I really don't like. The part where having money means you can enjoy life and be happy.

But then I realised, it’s not the money that brings happiness (not for me anyway), it’s the success. The contact with interesting people, the relationships, the sense of achievement, the purpose, self-worth and value, believing in yourself. That is what brings the happiness!

Money is just a bi-product of that and how the world happens to work. Ironically, I needn’t have worried about that anyway. Now that I am finally succeeding at my dream of becoming a writer/editor, money is one thing I’m NOT getting from my success. Not yet anyway 😉

‘The Feeling Of Life’ is a place to read musings, reflections and
insights from a slightly un-hinged woman in her 40’s, who is (almost) all
out of f*cks to give and embracing her FULL range of emotions!
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I have a Diploma in Childcare and Education and over 20 years of experience as a Nursery Practitioner, Nanny, Childminder (when my eldest was born) and a mum of two girls. Even with all of that, I still struggle at times to employ the empathic approach – It’s hard! This post is in no way meant to make anyone feel guilty or inadequate, so take from it what you will, but PLEASE remember to treat yourself with the same kindness, empathy and acceptance that we ALL need and deserve. ❤️

Empathic Magic

Through no fault of our own, we have learned to dismiss, ignore and punish difficult feelings and tantrums, instead of facing them head on and allowing them to be released in a healthy way. Obviously, this a scary alternative and brings up all sorts of our own feelings of embarrassment, guilt and shame, etc… However, supporting your child through these difficult feelings rather than punishing them, is an invaluable support and learning opportunity for your child.

After all, negative behaviour in children ALWAYS has a feeling or reason behind it. Dealing with it in an empathic way allows us to support our young children in getting to the bottom of those feelings. Furthermore, helping them to understand and deal with those difficult emotions in an effective way. In a way that is acceptable within the society which we are required to live, function and operate in.

Of-course undesirable behaviour must be punished, but the difficult feelings must not be. It is very important that we differentiate between these two things. A child should never feel like they are a “bad” person for feeling a certain way – ALL feelings are valid and need to be accepted – but the behaviour needs to be corrected, so that they can understand the importance of kindness and how we treat people… even when we are angry, frustrated or disappointed, etc… Children need to be supported and guided on how to do this, as they are so new to it all and are still learning the different ways they can handle their big scary feelings.

This is why it is so important that we try to harness the outbursts and tantrums and use them as an opportunity to support and guide our kids, rather than punishing them for having difficult, “undesirable” feelings – which can create an environment where a child only feels loved and accepted when they feel happy, excited, loving, etc…

They need to understand and be shown that they are loved unconditionally, and that includes when they are feeling all of the “negative” emotions too. This is not always the easiest thing to do in the moment, when they are perhaps behaving like a prize twat! 😆

It helps see these moments as a call for help, rather than something they’re doing on purpose to wind us up. Although there might be a little element of this of-course, we have to remember that we are the adult and they need our help and guidance in these moments (arguably) more than at any other time. Please remember, I’m not advocating paying attention to the behaviour, it’s the emotions we’re paying attention to and shining a light on.

The behaviour can be corrected through guidance, conversation and consequence AFTER the storm of emotions has calmed. A child who feels heard and understood is far more likely to display desirable behaviour, on the basis that they feel loved, valued and connected to you. But, more importantly, because you are modelling empathy and understanding, and teaching them how to manage their feelings more successfully. By providing them with a safe, non-judgemental space to do this.💞

Real Life Example – With my daughter - 3 yrs old at the time

She couldn't have something she wanted, and she had been told no in a firm, calm and kind way. She was feeling particularly hard done by - for a few other reasons perhaps - then add in… perhaps feeling fed up, hungry, tired or too hot, etc… And you get… "It's not fair!! You are not my friend! You can't come to my party! You are the worst mum in the world! I hate you!!!!"

I allowed her to storm off and said nothing to her except "Ok", so that I could keep myself calm and continue to look after my other child/pets that needed my attention. Then, when I was able to, I went to see her. I calmly said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're feeling so angry, I can see you're really upset, what do you need?"

Now, this is where the magic happens… I could literally see the anger start to melt away… she feels heard, understood and supported… I mean, who doesn't love that feeling, right?! She then wipes away her (snotty) tears and says, "A hug".

Ok, I can do that… a hug, so simple! This is where the reconnection happens. Where the warmth, trust and love come alive. In the secure and loving embrace of a hug, the anger quickly dissipates. We can talk calmly, and she tells me how she feels. I can help her name those feelings… sad, angry, upset, disappointed, etc… and we can discuss better ways of dealing with them.

As for the thing she couldn't have… there isn't even a hint of wanting it anymore. The WANT has disappeared because her NEED for understanding and empathy has been met! This is where we can truly nurture our child's emotional intelligence and build the foundations for a strong, self-assured, empathic adult!

Someone who has NOT been dismissed or punished for feeling a certain way, but has been nurtured with feelings of value, self-worth, understanding and unconditional love! ❤

Thank you so much for reading.

*If you’d like to find to find out more about Emotional Health Week… click HERE where there is a wealth of knowledge, helpful insights and useful tools and strategies around Emotional Health and Wellness ✨

As the “New Year, new me” epidemic of this January (and Januarys past) starts to dissolve into the memories of time gone by, it begs the question… Why do we do this to ourselves every year?

There are many answers to this question, one of which is the obvious marketing ploy of gyms, fitness centres and protein shake companies the world over. Someone (really quite clever) decided it would be the perfect time of year to prey on people’s insecurities, harness their desire for a “better me” and channel it straight into their greedy little money grabbing pockets.

Now, you may have wised up to this marketing ploy and for that I applaud you. It will mean you have been in that god awful place where you swiftly remember that you absolutely hate the gym (always have, always will), but are now slave to it for the entire 12 month contract you unwittingly signed… or, you never go again. Either way, you must begrudgingly part with your hard earned cash every single month, and suffer that feeling of being well and truly shafted up the backside!

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Of-course many more social pressures have since been introduced, to fuel the ever-burning fire of failure we hold within us, should we decide not to comply. One of which has been cringingly named “Dry January”… and because of said name, it is immediately obvious who has decided not to partake in this ridiculous idea, as it is very difficult to say as soon as a drop of alcohol has touched your lips! I mean seriously, who the hell decided that giving up booze would be a fantastic thing to do during the most depressing month of the year!

Let’s be honest, January is total and utter shite for several reasons… It’s bad enough that the weather is completely cold, dreary and just plain awful. There’s also a distinct lack of that thing called daylight… and when the sun does come out for two nano seconds, it teases us as it dances on our faces reminding us of what we’re missing, then fucks off for another week or two. Then there’s the fact that we’re all completely skint following Christmas and payday isn’t for, what seems like, forever!

Not to mention that most of us are still reeling from the afore mentioned Christmas, due to spending an unhealthy amount of time with the people we actually try to avoid most of the year… AND we’re all exhausted from being with our lovely (but really quite annoying) little shits – sorry, children – 24/7. Finally… and this is the final nail in the coffin… Feeling like you have an arse the size of Antarctica due to the unholy amount of cheese, crackers, wine, gin, chocolate and Baileys you’ve consumed over the last two weeks.

So, my point is this… Obviously cutting down on alcohol post-Christmas could be advisable, due to previously mentioned size of one’s arse and general feeling of exhaustion and self-loathing… but to cut it out completely, just because someone decided to put a quirky little label on it and, by the way, thinks it’s then ok to go back to seismic drinking habits the very second February the 1^st arrives… Surely, just cutting back a little and resuming normal/acceptable levels of alcohol intake would be far more feasible and achievable. Thus, not making us feel even worse about ourselves at a time when we are most likely to be feeling pretty shit already!

This healthy balance of all things in moderation has to be the right approach, surely. There’s a reason drastic “fad” diets and denying yourself all manner of things that might be slightly unhealthy doesn’t work. It might be possible to keep up with these restrictions for a short while, but even people with the best of intentions will inevitably fall victim to the self-sabotage pit that awaits them at the bottom of the “oh, one won’t hurt” slide straight into failure town.

But it doesn’t need to be this way… If we allow ourselves to enjoy all the wonderful and tasty stuff this world has to offer, in a healthy and balanced amount that suit each of us individually (assuming we are obeying the law, not causing anyone harm or being a total arsehole)… AND we let go of the gut-wrenching guilt and shame surrounding doing anything that’s deemed “bad” for us… Then we CAN live a balanced lifestyle and actually enjoy it!

Never needing to subscribe to the unnecessary membership contracts, unattainable fad diets and carelessly invented restrictive pressures, built to prey on our low self-esteem, guilt, shame and general feeling of failure.

Writing about this reminds me of an episode of ‘Orange is the New Black’ that really struck a chord with me at the time, and has since helped me through times of potential self-sabotage. If you’re unfamiliar with the Netflix series, it’s basically about a bunch of female prisoners in America, with the main character being an unlikely inmate and follows her story behind bars.

Providing us with an enormous amount of insight into life in a women’s prison along the way. It’s thought provoking, sad and funny in equal measures and as a viewer you begin to find yourself rooting for some of these woman… and they themselves become close and supportive of each other, which is quite wonderful to watch.

In this particular episode towards the end of the last series, the women have been on quite a journey together and are discussing how to overcome self-sabotage and how we have a fresh opportunity each and every day to be a good person and do better, no matter how epically we may have fallen off the wagon before then. I wrote down the exact words that were said by one of the prisoners, during her hugely uplifting moment of realisation… that she has a CHOICE and there is indeed hope of a better life.

So eloquently put! Just because you were one way once, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to be that person forever. You are who you are in each MOMENT… if you lose your shit at your kids one day... you don't have to continue to be that person! And… not just each new day... each new hour, minute, SECOND! So… if you find yourself behaving in a way you don’t like, or doing something not in line with your ethics and morals… apologise if you need to, forgive yourself and move on. Then, you’ll never need to find yourself sliding into that self-sabotage pit and setting up camp in failure town again.

Thank you so much for reading!

A question often posed in our modern-day society is “Can we have it all?” Something many people (mainly parents - mothers if we’re being honest) ask themselves regularly. To discover if we can if fact “have it all”, we must first delve into what having it all really means.

Is it really the picture-perfect image fed to us time and time again through Hollywood movies, advertising and social media. You know the one... Huge suburban house with a picket fence, big driveway with at least two cars, an enormous beautifully kept garden, perfect happy couple, 2.4 children and a dog! Or is it that we merely wish to be able to have a decent home, comfortable living, a good relationship with our partner (if we have one), children (if we wish) and a job that we enjoy and that we’re not so dog tired from, that we can actually have time for said partner/children. Let alone time to look after ourselves!

Why is it that we feel we can “have it all” and think that something or someone somewhere in our ‘having it all’ set up isn’t going to miss out on something they need. Where did this belief come from that we can have a partner, a job, maintain our home and nurture our children (and ourselves) in the required measures without anyone suffering as a result? Something in all of that has to give and we need to ask ourselves if it is worth it? 

Now, I am not by any means saying that a parent (man or woman) shouldn’t work if they so wish. But to think that both parents can work full time and their children will be fully nurtured in the way that they need, is quite frankly ludicrous! Even if by some miracle these parents work out some kind of schedule where one works nights, etc… what about their relationship? Would they not then just be passing ships in the night? What about family time? Will they be simply too exhausted to participate when the long-awaited day off finally arrives? 

It wasn’t that long ago that parenting was considered a full-time job in itself. Of-course it is fantastic that women now have a choice and are not automatically thrust into the role of wife, mother and home maker. But it is perhaps worth considering why society used to be satisfied that being a homemaker/mother (or a “Stay at home mum” as we now like to call it... yuk) was in fact “enough”. Why do so many people in today’s society sometimes never feel that what they do is ever “enough”?

The pressure to achieve and be “useful” in far more ways than one is bigger than ever! I’ve lost count of the number of times I have heard the phrase “just a mum” being used in a negative manor. Whether that be another person or indeed the mother putting herself down (actually more often the case, sadly). If we do happen to be “just a mum” (by choice or circumstance), why is it that we feel so inadequate and so judged for this job? That’s right... it is a “job”. In fact, probably one of the hardest and most challenging jobs a person will ever do! 

I’m not going to sit here and start listing off the job description of a parent. I think we all know by now it is a huge undertaking and probably equates to about two or three “actual” full time jobs, if you add up all the hours and responsibilities. My point is, that it is a full-time job at the very least and should be regarded as such. 

Of-course being a parent is (hopefully) a choice that you make and you should expect to work hard at it, if you want to produce responsible, well rounded adults for our future society. Having said that, it would perhaps be slightly easier to produce said responsible adults, if you didn’t have to face a whole bunch of criticism and judgement for being “just” a parent!

Wouldn’t it be marvellous if we could in fact respect the job of committed parents and hold it in the highest regard, as it should be.

So, parent or not, we now all (men and women, thankfully) have the opportunity to work and to build a career if we so wish. Any work we choose to do is “good enough” and nobody should be judged or criticised for the field of work they choose (or need) to be in. Equally, we should all be able to choose our type of lifestyle and so long as we’re abiding by the law and not being a nuisance or hurting anyone (physically or mentally), then each to their own, right? Good… now we’ve got that established, we can appreciate that everyone’s idea of “having it all” will be vastly different. Not the “picture perfect life” fed to us, that I described earlier on.

Now, assuming that most people would aspire to live a comfortable life, have a companion (be it human or otherwise), perhaps have children, an occasional night out, a holiday here and there, etc... Also assuming that most people would need to earn the money to fund said life (i.e. Haven’t inherited it or won the lottery). How do we achieve this in all the right measures and have time to enjoy it all, without being too exhausted and digging ourselves into an early grave?

I believe the answer is simple. You decide what is most important to you (remember no judgement)... Is it the cars, the big house, time with family or friends, holidays, being a full-time parent, having a hobby, playing a sport, time for reading, crocheting, having a full-time career, supporting your partner, collecting model trains, building your own business, time to care for relatives, running your home... the list goes on. 

Whatever it is, it is YOUR choice. Provided you are willing to understand that it simply isn’t possible for you to have absolutely everything, have time to do everything brilliantly and be happy. Not without sacrificing your own (or somebody else’s) needs and wellbeing and ultimately resulting in endless guilt and misery. Then you CAN indeed “Have It All”. 

When “having it all” means making time for and really nurturing the people OR things in your life that truly mean the most to you. Even if that is spending three hours a day waxing your car! No judgement remember!