Broken Record Brain
On disrupting old patterns and embedding new truths
Dear Readers, It’s no secret that I find letting go of the things that are holding me back difficult, and recent times have been no exception.
As a self-confessed multi-passionate creative (I’m so glad someone came up with an actual acceptable term for us distracted ‘magpies’ – or indeed octopus 🐙😆) my constant battle/struggle to choose a “thing” to focus on has been driving me particularly mad recently!
Significantly compounded by the constant feelings of guilt and shame around the fact that I receive benefits (due to my ill health/disability) and therefore am a useless human shitbag! “I should be working my arse off to earn my own money, like any ‘decent’ human being “should”. Ouch!
The conflict in my head then goes a bit like this…
“Pick a thing to do you mad woman – focus!” Ok, I pick____________
“But that doesn’t earn you any money and you HAVE to earn your own money in order to be a decent, worthwhile person.”
Ok, I choose this thing that will earn me money______________
“How DARE you ask people to pay you for that work, which you love doing – You’re basically asking people to pay you for doing your hobby – You despicable human! Get a proper job!”
And so the broken record goes round and round…
Don’t earn money = Terrible person
Try to earn money doing what you can manage/enjoy = Terrible person
Asking for money under any and all circumstances = Terrible person!
Oh My God, Please Just STOP!!
In a desperate bid to knock a few of these repetitive and destructive patterns on the head once and for all this year, I’ve been investing some time and energy in discovering what exactly goes on in that scrambled little brain of mine.
I thought I would share some of my discoveries here, in the hope that it might inspire/support/help someone else in the process. Or, at the very least, you might find it vaguely interesting.
The following journaling processes I’m about to share with you reveal just a little of what goes on in my head. This is very raw, vulnerable and real (un-edited) stuff, so please keep an open mind when reading and try not to judge me too harshly.
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