Dear Readers,
*Update: This post was written and published after I had originally tried (too quickly) to introduce a paid membership to my readers - which would include posts written exclusively for those members.*
What Took Me So Long?
I honestly canât tell you how much Iâve gone back and forth with what to deliver directly to my paid âmembersâ. The pressure I put on myself once I âannouncedâ this little extra offering was insane!! Does anyone else do that? Put enormous pressure and self-imposed deadlines on yourself?
It was bad enough before, but now people were going to be parting with their hard-earned cash - my god - âIt better be worth it Eva, you incompetent piece of shit!â - Sorry, thatâs Jiminy piping up⌠My delightful inner cricket critic. Heâs a bit of a bastard, truth be told. đ Unfortunately, you may get to know him a bit throughout our time here...
So, What to Write About?
Well, as this is meant to be the space where I let go⌠reveal my inner most thoughts⌠dig heftily into the depths of my heart, mind and soul⌠âWhaoooo, steady on⌠who would want to go there, you narcissistic, self-absorbed weirdo?!â - Great Jiminyâs back againâŚ
Me: âWell, apparently a few people (quite a lot actually) have expressed an interest in hearing more from me, on account of quite enjoying my writing, insights and dare I say it, humourâ
Jiminy: âOh wow, look at you blowing the old trumpet⌠full of yourself much?!â
Me: âErm⌠well no, itâs just that people have saidâŚâ
Jiminy: âOh, peeeoooople have said... well if peeeooooople have said, youâd better give them what they want then⌠Not that thereâs much of any worth you could say⌠and theyâre paying for this? Good lord! Seriously my mind bogâŚâŚ
Me: âRight, Jiminy... thatâs quite enough from you⌠kindly FUCK OFF and let me get on with it will you!
A Whole New Kind of Self-Sabotage
Todayâs topic has been inspired by many, many events, conversations, books, podcasts and advice I have received (accidentally or otherwise) over the past few months - Iâm not sure exactly when this particular round (there have been many over the years) of self-discovery, sabotage, healing and more sabotage began, but letâs say around early December 2024.
So, what is this ânew kind of self-sabotageâ of which I speak? It came to me when I had the sudden realisation that all of the wonderful nurturing things I had started doing - to try to heal my over productivity, stress and pressure to achieve - had indeed caused MORE pressure and therefore MORE overwhelm!
What had I done wrong? I had tried to do ALL of the nurturing things⌠every single one! It had become another task I MUST undertake to the absolute BEST of my ability and complete ALL of it, or else I was a big fat failure! I had inadvertently gone at it with all of the gusto, determination and intense productivity that I had done with everything else! đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸
I had added to my overwhelm in epic proportions - I was now experiencing, what I like to call, âNurturwhelmâ - You heard it here first⌠If it should catch on, please be sure to credit me for this clever little catchy term. đđ¤Ł
So, What Did I Do?
Good question! Even if I do say so myselfâŚ
Once Iâd wised up to what was happening, the very first thing I did was PAUSE! I just stopped everything I was doing and took a breath - when I say a breath, I mean a day - I had a day - where I just stopped and did NOTHING but notice how I felt and listened to my body and what I needed.
First Steps
I started gently and allowed myself to just BE for a few days. I got basic tasks done, kept the children alive and stopped the house turning into a shit pit! I ate when I was hungry and slept⌠a lot⌠I was exhausted! I hadnât realised quite how much until I really stopped.
I had been reading (well, listening actually) to Miranda Hartâs book - âI havenât been entirely honest with youâ - which had a significant impact on me and I wrote a review on it, which you can read HERE, if you havenât already. I thought about some of the key points Miranda had made in her book, which got me pondering how on earth Iâd got myself into such a state⌠again?!
Jiminy: âYou really should know better than this by now, I mean seriously⌠why you keep making these same mistakes is beyond me!â
Me: âYes, thank you Jiminy⌠I have a sneaky suspicion you might have had something to do with itâŚâ đ
Anyway, here I was⌠I had hit that vital pause button, which allowed my mind to calm enough to think of some of the small nuggets of wisdom Iâve absorbed somewhere along the way. I asked myself the following questions:
If you were supporting a friend who was in your position, what would you advise them to do?
What could you delay/delegate/stop doing (at least for the time-being) so that you can focus on your wellbeing?
What is the next small step⌠The next right thing?
Answering these three simple questions re-awakened my self-compassion and allowed me to give myself permission to pause, re-group and think about just the next (ONE) little step I could take. Then hearing echoes of Mirandaâs voice, saying âlet that be enoughâ - âIt IS enoughâ. I donât even know if she actually said that at any point in the book, but imagining that she did (in that wonderful soothing voice of hers) was enough to show myself the kindness I needed at that time.
Acceptance
Arriving where I was and finding the kindness and compassion to accept the way things were, gave me the patience and freedom to just see what comes. In releasing the pressure (mostly put on by me anyway), I could take a step back, assess the situation with fresh eyes and begin my journey towards acceptance, clarity and healing. Which I hope will eventually lead to a healthy, sustainable balance in my life.
The tiny spark that got me started on my journeyâŚ
This from - writing about dancing in THIS PIECE
âWe might not be able to change the world simply by kicking up our heels the way they do in the movies; but if we give ourselves the chance to dance, we might just find the lost pieces of ourselves, our joy, and our courage. And from there anything is possible.â
Will you come on this journey with me?
I do hope so⌠I could do with the company! đĽ°
A Playlist from Me to You
I put together a short playlist of some of the songs that have sparked joy, sadness, hope and courage⌠as Iâve been finding the lost pieces of myself and slowly finding a way to put them back together.
Next timeâŚ. (Part Two)
Finding my ACTUAL capacity, core values and realistic schedule for 2025
Links to resources and key strategies that got me there!
Some surprising revelations about my âsuccess blockersâ
The visualisation that allowed me to be vulnerable
Nurturing our nervous systems - a simple (yet effective) exercise
A deeply personal unsent letter đ
Bravo!! Showing your process here is awesome because Iâm sure many people can relate. Getting quiet and listening to yourself then slowly doing things rather than brutally forcing yourself đ the cultivation of kindness takes practice. Daily. Sometimes hourly. Keep showing up and doing the hard things despite Jiminy, the little flucker đ
Happy to be a Hubby! Definitely good to acknowledge Jiminy's (surprisingly hard to spell lol) presence and just bring him a long for the ride! We won't let him spoil the party đ