Why Tantrums ARE Normal
My thoughts, comments and opinions on this and other topics!
Today’s article will be a little mixture of various topics I’ve been busy reading about and commenting on recently, such as “supportive parenting”, “why tantrums ARE normal” and the ever-controversial topic of “kids and smart phones”.
I’ve been a little quiet on here lately, as I have been recovering from major surgery which I had 6 weeks ago. I am happy to report that all went well and I have almost made a full recovery 👍💞
Thoughts & Comments
I’d like to share my thoughts/comments on the following article from The Parenting Guide which you can read in full HERE – Just make sure you come back to me! 🙏
Here was my response to the article, titled “Actually, Tantrums Aren’t Normal” 🙄
“I was immediately uncomfortable with this generalisation that a child is not "normal" if they have a tantrum... or that the parent is bad for "letting it get to that point". The last thing we need is another badly put together, one sided generalisation that makes parents feel guilty or like a failure. The reason tantrums have become common place, is because parents are up against it... in that, most need to work and general life pressures are higher than ever! Yes, in an ideal world, we would love to pay the amount of attention to our toddlers that is required in order to prevent one single tantrum... but that is not possible in today's society.
We have to teach our children that, to a certain extent, things will not be as they wish and we can support them in a nurturing way through the big, difficult feelings. However, we should not be demonising parents, but rather supporting them to do the best they can with the circumstances in which we all live. This is why tantrums are in fact a "normal" part of THIS modern life and so too is teenagers slamming doors, etc... The ‘trick’ is to be aware of WHY these things might be happening and try (when possible) to support our children through these challenging times.”
Q. What do you think? Do you agree with my response or do you have a different view? Let me know in the comments below.💬
Kids & Smart Phones
I shall finish today with a comment I made in response to THIS post written by Melinda Wenner Moyer who writes the hugely factual and often hilarious “Is My Kid the Arsehole” Again, please be sure to come back to me 😬
The conversation around kids and smart phones is an interesting and often controversial, yet hugely important one. I was compelled to answer Melinda’s invitation to share our individual strategies and experience surrounding our children’s use of phones. Here is what I had to say…
“This is such an important conversation and I feel comfortable sharing here, as you've been so clear on your stance that it is important not to judge or shame other parents for their choices. 👍
My 14-year-old has had a phone since she was 12... mostly because she was walking to school at that stage (not far and with friends) and it felt like the right time for her, as a very sensible child. We have a family sharing app called "Family Links" where we can limit her time on certain apps and time on the phone overall.
We also have an 8pm rule where the phone goes off (managed on the app) and gets charged outside her bedroom. She has a daily limit of 4 hours (which seems like a lot, but she hardly ever uses it all). No phones at the dinner table and we ask her to join us every weekday evening for at least an hour, so we can spend time with her and have conversations that need to be had then, rather than at bedtime!
This seems to work well for us and gives our daughter enough feeling of independence and autonomy, which makes her less argumentative and more co-operative overall. She is in complete control of when she does her homework, so long as it is done before bedtime and she is getting good grades and reports from school. She knows that if any of this slides, she will lose some of the freedom that she has. This seems to be enough to motivate her to be responsible and continue to do well at school.
She has no social media accounts (apart from Tik-Tok, which we really regret) and we have made it clear that we won't even discuss changing this until she is at least 16 and we have explained our reasons why. We have had open conversations around keeping safe online and how it does not matter one bit what anyone else is doing, we are her parents and it is completely our choice to manage this minefield as we see fit. Also, that ultimately, we are doing what we're doing to keep her safe and/or protect her developing mind from an unnecessary bombardment of addictive mind-numbing content.
I strongly agree that each individual family has a right to make a choice that works for them and it irritates me when people try to encourage a blanket rule amongst groups of children (i.e. a year group). I think that the emphasis should ALWAYS be on educating parents and children around safety online, rather than banning phones until a certain age, etc...
No matter how much you think you're protecting your children by completely banning something, they will source it out elsewhere (through friends) and then those important conversations will not have been had and they could then not be safe.
As I mentioned briefly earlier, our only regret is allowing Tik-Tok so early. However, we have managed this by limiting the app to 20 minutes a day and she is only allowed a ‘private’ account, so only her friends (in real life) can see her content. Other people may be comfortable with social media earlier and this is fine too - my only comment would be that they are rated 16/18 for a reason and I would hope that conversations were being had also. Each to their own - Live and let live as they say.” 😊
Q. Do you agree with my response, or do you have a different view? I would love to know what your experience with your kids is and the rules/strategies you have in your home? Jump in the comments and let me know if you like.💬
Supportive Parenting
I mentioned briefly in my comments above about the importance of allowing children the freedom to explore and learn about the dangers of being online, rather than enforcing an out-right ban. If you would like to read more about this Dr. Emily Edlynn has written a fantastic book called Autonomy – Supportive Parenting, where she explains that…
“our culture is feeding controlling impulses in parents, which is leading to intensive and controlling parenting”
Dr. Edlynn highlights the importance of nurturing three fundamental human needs in our children. I have listed a short summary of these below.
Autonomy – Knowing who I am and having the freedom to be myself
Competence – Mastery, I have skills, I know what I’m doing, I can be independent
Relatedness – Connection with others, belonging, in loving caring relationships
Emily talks about the benefits of supportive parenting, such as building our children’s confidence in their own skills and coping strategies, instilling our belief and trust in them and thus showing unconditional love and true acceptance of who our child is as a person. This can help to…
“Lower the risk of mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression”
Whereas with controlling parenting we are at risk of shaping them in our own image, instilling shame and guilt and undermining our child’s own independence. By trying to rescue them from stress and destress or “save” them from emotional pain, we are actually taking away their chance to learn and develop those vital skills for themselves – with our guidance and support of-course.
“We feel like we’re protecting our children from pain, but we’re actually robbing them from the opportunity to develop their own skills and confidence in handling the world and discovering who they are”
If you would like to listen to Dr. Emily Edlynn’s talk about this in more detail, you can do so in this YouTube video HERE.
Ok, that’s it for now – don’t forget to like, comment and share – it really means so much to me.
Thank you! 🤗
