You Don't Know Pain

Teenagers and vaccinations - The struggle is real!

Dear Readers,

Well today was fun… NOT! As I sit here writing this I am still reeling with anger, frustration and despair as I hover in the aftermath of what should have been a quick visit to the nurse’s clinic, for my daughter’s DTP booster vaccinations. She is 14 years old. Don’t they just do that at school, I hear you ask… Well, yes they do… but Mrs. Moron over here decided to honour my daughter’s incessant pleading to have them done outside of school, at our Doctor’s Surgery. Somehow, she managed to convince me that this would help her with the anxiety of the situation and shield her from embarrassment in front of her friends. It turns out the fear of that embarrassment is probably exactly what she needed in order to just get the job done!

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

Anyway, I had agreed, I couldn’t go back, so here we were. I’m not sure precisely when her crippling hatred of needles kicked in, but I fear it may have something to do with the time she needed a blood test in hospital…

…Let’s just say, after an hour or so of the softly softly approach, her dad and I cracked and there might have been some pinning down involved. She was around 8 years old at the time. Not our proudest parenting moment of-course, and oh boy are we paying for it now.

So, back to today… We arrive at the surgery and I have prepped myself to be patient, kind and empathic. As we’re waiting for the nurse to call us in, the fear becomes slowly more visible on her soft, still-child-like face. The tears are forming in her bright blue eyes and I try so hard to be of comfort to her, all the while conscious that I don’t want to overdo it and repeat myself too much, thus fuelling the anxiety – I have a tendency to do that.

I gently remind her that she is brave and strong and she can do this, because she has done it before. I also remind her of the reasons why we need these vaccines (*I will be discussing alternative views on this later) and that I love her and I am so proud of her, etc, etc. Whilst desperately restraining myself (when she says “but it will hurt” for the 50^th time) from saying things like; “You don’t know what real pain is!!” and “Get a fucking grip” and “For god’s sake, grow up will you!” I know, not a good reaction… which is why I’m so proud of myself for NOT saying these things. It was hard!

Then, the nurse (who has been carefully and privately pre-warned of my daughter’s intense and dramatic feelings towards needles) calls us into her room. The tears and the “I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it mum” intensify quickly. Then… I shit you not… the nurse said… “Well, it is completely up to you, what would you like to do”!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! WHY would she say that! I bite my tongue, but my shock, anger and frustration are, I’m sure, clear as day on my red-hot face. My passive aggression begins as I say things like… “We booked a double appointment and I believe you were pre-warned of my daughter’s severe anxiety, were you not?” “I think giving her a choice might not be the best approach right now, all things considered”.

The nurse quickly realises her epic fail and tries to re-phrase her disastrous statement, with something along the lines of “I meant you can choose whether to have both today, or just one”. She frantically tries to hone in on her skills to convince my daughter that she ought to just get it out of the way, now that she is here. It’s no use, it is too late, the damage is done. My daughter has clung to the possibility that she might actually have a choice in the matter, as if her life depended on it. Read the room lady, or at least the stone face of the brick wall in front of you. She’s done, her mind has left the building and her body is frozen in protest. I figure it’s worth letting the nurse at least try to convince her, so I excuse myself to go to the loo. I can’t watch another minute of the epic waste of my time unfold in front of me.

What's the legal position on vaccinations?

“In the UK, vaccination is voluntary, so you cannot be forced' to vaccinate your child.”

Ah, but what about if you WANT to vaccinate your child, but they refuse?

“Children under 16 can refuse consent to be vaccinated, but it is rare. Older children can also go against the wishes of an anti-vaccination parent and give their permission for the vaccine to be administered.”

Ok, that’s good I guess, as the child has a right to protect themselves from deadly diseases, even if their parents are too stupid to do it themselves! However, still nothing about the child refusing and the parent wanting them to do it?

“The courts cannot force a parent who doesn't want their child to be vaccinated to capitulate, and by the same token if a parent does want their child immunised but their partner doesn't then they cannot force the issue via the courts. Vaccination seems to have slipped through the legal net, with no clear direction on what is or isn't acceptable.”

Right, so parents can disagree with each other and the anti-vaxxer parent wins… Hmmm… But still nothing about the parent trying to encourage their child and the child refusing. Let me guess, the child wins?

“Children under the age of 16 can consent to their own treatment if they're believed to have enough intelligence, competence and understanding to fully appreciate what's involved in their treatment. This is known as being Gillick competent.”

So, does that mean they can refuse too? Also, who judges whether they can be “Gillick Competent” (strange name for it) or not? Oh, I give up… I’ll look further into it another time. If anyone’s interested in delving deeper, you can read more HERE.

A Different View

I did say that I would discuss alternative views and I am well aware that not everybody will agree with my decision to vaccinate my children. I have come to that decision through much research, discussion and deliberation over the years before and after becoming a parent and I (personally) believe that getting our children vaccinated from potentially deadly diseases is the right thing to do. Not just to protect them, but other people too. We are all, I assume, aware of the damage that can be done from spreading these nasty diseases, to a pregnant woman for example.

“The World Health Organisation has declared that the failure to vaccinate children against even the simplest of illnesses could lead to worldwide epidemics. They've gone so far as to declare anti-vaccination as the Top threat to World Health in 2019'. When you consider that other threats on their top ten' list included Ebola, pollution and famine, the fact that anti-vaccination took the top spot demonstrates just how seriously the WHO takes the threat of vaccination hesitation'.”

If you’d like to read more, you can do that HERE

So, What Now?

Well, my daughter stayed for another 45 minutes with the desperate nurse clutching at straws, bless her… but to no avail. She is still not vaccinated 🙄 Was I angry? Yes… Frustrated? Of-course… Disappointed? Yup… all those things. Did I yell and shout at my daughter? No… She reached out for hug and immediately apologised through her tears.

I gave her a huge hug and explained that whilst I was annoyed about the waste of my time, the nurse’s time and a valuable vaccination that had to be thrown away, I also love her and want to try to understand her. I went on to say that I was proud of her for showing up and trying her best and that in the grand scheme of things, it is not worth fighting over and she shouldn’t feel guilty about it – Well, maybe just a little bit 😉

Back to the Drawing Board

We have temporarily parked the issue, but we both know we will have to discuss it again in the near future and find a way to tackle this. For now, though, I am feeling calm, proud and relieved that our relationship is still intact, and I have exercised patience, kindness, compassion and empathy. More importantly than this, I have modelled those behaviours to my impressionable developing teenager. Who now feels loved, supported, heard and understood.

That’s definitely a win in my book. 😊